Signs Your Divorce Isn’t Going Well

  • Since his recent divorce, your lawyer has been using his car for an office.
  • Your spouse’s lawyer has suddenly taken to lighting his cigarettes with twenties.
  • The judge is seriously considering your spouse’s request for custody of your immortal soul.
  • Your spouse’s attorney is seeking the death penalty.
  • Your husband has been granted temporary custody of one of your implants.
  • Your mother’s name appears on your wife’s witness list.
  • Given the choice, your penis opts to live with her.
  • Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore 64, the Chia pets and the Wham! CD collection.
  • Jerry Springer cancelled your appearance, citing “Safety Concerns.”
  • You discover that Judge Jacques’ last name is actually *not* pronounced “Jack-ass.”
  • In her search for hidden assets, your wife hires a proctologist.
  • Your half of the dog arrives postage due.
  • Johnnie Cochran’s closing argument: “If dad goes gay, he’s got to pay!”
  • During the pre-trial conference, the judge brings your wife to orgasm with his toe under the conference table.

I Need a Quick Divorce!

A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – “very quick.”

The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, un acre und half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I gut proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She bought bottle at drug stoore, und put on shelf in bathroom. I cun read – it suz “Polish Remover.”

And You Wonder *Why* It Didn’t Last

  • She married him because he was such a “strong man”
    She divorced him because he was such a “dominating male.”
  • He married her because she was so “fragile and petite.”
    He divorced her because she was so “weak and helpless.”
  • She married him because “he knows how to provide a good living.”
    She divorced him because “all he thinks about is business.”
  • He married her because “she reminds me of my mother.”
    He divorced her because “she’s getting more like her mother every day.”
  • She married him because he was “happy and romantic.”
    She divorced him because he was “shiftless and fun-loving.”
  • He married her because she was “steady and sensible.”
    He divorced her because she was “boring and dull.”
  • She married him because he was “the life of the party.”
    She divorced him because “he never wants to come home from a party.”


The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation.

The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality.

The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, “Don’t you mean homosexuality?”

“No!” she replied, “I mean hobosexuality… he’s a bum lay!”

Grounds for Divorce

“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”

“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Sure now, we have a carport.”

The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”

“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “I’m always first out of bed.”

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. “Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?”

“Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don’t think he knows anything about the connubial.”

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. “What I’m trying to find out are what grounds you have.”

“Bless ye, sir. We live in a flat – not even a window box, let alone grounds.”

“Mrs. O’Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?”

“Ah, well now,” said the lady, “Sure it’s because the man can’t hold an intelligent conversation.”

And What Do You Want?

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids, too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he’s up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband smiles and replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”