Divorced Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”

The Manager replied, “Which one? We have ‘Barbie goes to the gym’ for $19.95.. ‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95 … ‘Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 …’Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95 ..’Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95.. and ‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00”.

“Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?” Dad asked surprised.

“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture.”

Signs Your Divorce Isn’t Going Well

  • Since his recent divorce, your lawyer has been using his car for an office.
  • Your spouse’s lawyer has suddenly taken to lighting his cigarettes with twenties.
  • The judge is seriously considering your spouse’s request for custody of your immortal soul.
  • Your spouse’s attorney is seeking the death penalty.
  • Your husband has been granted temporary custody of one of your implants.
  • Your mother’s name appears on your wife’s witness list.
  • Given the choice, your penis opts to live with her.
  • Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore 64, the Chia pets and the Wham! CD collection.
  • Jerry Springer cancelled your appearance, citing “Safety Concerns.”
  • You discover that Judge Jacques’ last name is actually *not* pronounced “Jack-ass.”
  • In her search for hidden assets, your wife hires a proctologist.
  • Your half of the dog arrives postage due.
  • Johnnie Cochran’s closing argument: “If dad goes gay, he’s got to pay!”
  • During the pre-trial conference, the judge brings your wife to orgasm with his toe under the conference table.

And You Wonder *Why* It Didn’t Last

  • She married him because he was such a “strong man”
    She divorced him because he was such a “dominating male.”
  • He married her because she was so “fragile and petite.”
    He divorced her because she was so “weak and helpless.”
  • She married him because “he knows how to provide a good living.”
    She divorced him because “all he thinks about is business.”
  • He married her because “she reminds me of my mother.”
    He divorced her because “she’s getting more like her mother every day.”
  • She married him because he was “happy and romantic.”
    She divorced him because he was “shiftless and fun-loving.”
  • He married her because she was “steady and sensible.”
    He divorced her because she was “boring and dull.”
  • She married him because he was “the life of the party.”
    She divorced him because “he never wants to come home from a party.”

It’s Over When …

  • She puts your dinner on the floor in the dog’s dish.
  • The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.
  • You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.
  • She starts every sentence with the words …”To whom it may concern.”
  • Your mail comes addressed to “Current Resident.”
  • The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit.
  • Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.
  • You are urged to stir your coffee “very well,” before drinking it.
  • Your favorite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet.
  • All of your shirts have a target painted on them.
  • People are referring to her as the “widow.”
  • You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.
  • Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads … “Joe’s Place.”

Signs You Should Break Up

Signs you should break up with your boyfriend:

  1. He always scratches his crotch and says, “Damn! When is this gonna clear up?”
  2. He could use a contact lens as a condom.
  3. Taking you out to eat means firing up the grill.
  4. Everytime you want to spoon, he wants to fork.
  5. He refers to your little brother as a “real cutie.”

Signs you should break up with your girlfriend:

  1. She carries around Bride magazine and a highlighter.
  2. She thinks an anniversary occurs once a month.
  3. Her lucky numbers are your pin number.
  4. Your friends know her by her porn name.
  5. She just can’t stand the taste of “it.”

Cards to Send When the Relationship Goes Bad

  • You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.
  • When I met you, I thought about becoming a Satanist, but then I decided that worshipping you could give you the wrong idea about our relationship.
  • I know how to push all my wife’s buttons…now if I could only find the one marked OFF!
  • I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell ’til I met you.
  • Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the F@!% was I thinking?
  • As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.
  • They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.
  • When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.
  • I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
  • I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.
  • When we first met I was anti-abortion. I’ve changed my mind.