- Carpools with Devine Brown.
- Motel 6 names him “Customer of the Year.”
- Mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night from some guy named “President Bill.”
- You intercept a love note signed by all of the Oakland Raiders.
- That naked guy standing in the corner pretending to be a hat rack isn’t fooling anyone.
- Starts buying those lame excuses you give when you get home late from your mistress’s house.
- Glenn Close speeds by your house every twenty minutes.
- Models new lingerie saying, “If you were my lover, would this turn you on?”
- The smell of Brut is all over her, and you’re strictly an Old Spice man.
- Asks you how you would feel about appearing on “Jenny Jones”.
- Every night: comes home late, carves another notch in the bedpost and giggles himself to sleep.
- The cat has that “I know something that you don’t know” look.
- Bill Cosby called her as a character witness.
- Closet full of Gideon Bibles.
- Raoul the pool-boy is always hanging around, and you have NO pool!
- Amy Fisher shoots you in the head.
Tag Archives: cheated
Have You Cheated?
Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
- Oral Sex does not count.
- If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day… it doesn’t count…
- If you failed to call the person back to have more sex… doesn’t count…
- If both of you failed to achieve orgasm…it doesn’t count…
- Sex with a friend…it doesn’t count…it’s just another thing you share…
- If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “Did I shave my legs for this”…it doesn’t count…
- An old flame…it doesn’t count…
- An ex-spouse…it doesn’t count, refer to this as a “pity fuck”.
- Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex…it doesn’t count…
- Cyber-sex – NO WAY – this is glorified masturbation…it doesn’t count…
- 2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex…it doesn’t count…
- Kissing body parts is not cheating…it doesn’t count…
- An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other…it doesn’t count…
- An act committed while you were intoxicated…it doesn’t count.
- An act committed with a family member of your significant other…it doesn’t count…this should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet”.
- Acts committed in a public place…it doesn’t count…(why should it, it was public right?)
- Phone sex…it doesn’t count…(refer back to “glorified masturbation”)
- In car…it doesn’t count…way too cramped…if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift…this counts…way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule 1…
- An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm)…it doesn’t count.
- An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull’n pray method of birth control)…it doesn’t count…
- An act in which no kissing takes place…it doesn’t count… (not considered to be intimate)
- An act in which “you do all the work”…it doesn’t count.
- An act committed with your next door neighbor…it doesn’t count, this should be referred to as “being neighborly”.
- An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other…it doesn’t count.
- An act which only happens on a random basis…it doesn’t count, this should be considered ” getting aquatinted “…
- An act with a US President…it doesn’t count, unless the Senate votes impeachment…
- An act with your boss…it doesn’t count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.