The Beer Drinker’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all I could hear
Was my party guests screaming, “We’ve run out of beer!”
I laughed for a moment, said, “They’re pulling my leg,”
For I had just tapped a half-barrel keg.

“No, really, we’re out!” someone shrieked out of fright.
And the crowd grew more restless, surely there would be a fight.
“Now relax,” I said calmly “I’ve got plenty more brew.”
“I’ve got Coors in the pantry, and Schlitz in the loo.”

But my pantry was bare, and my fridge empty, too,
Gone, too was the six-pack I kept in the loo.
My pulse quickly rose and my heart sank with fear
For what kind of people could drink that much beer?

I looked at my guests; some invited, some not.
And I smelled the unmistakable sweet smell of pot.
Then I saw two girls giggle with glassy-eyed grins.
There was no mistaking: It was the Bush Twins.

They had drank all my beer and smoked all my stash.
Now I was lamenting my Christmas Eve bash.
The girls were shot-gunning the last can of Bud,
When up on the roof I heard a great THUD!

Then down from the chimney came a jolly fat dude.
He said, “Ran out of beer? Aw, man that’s just rude.
“Lucky for you, you’ve been a good boy.
“So I will provide you with great Christmas joy.”

And out of his sack he proceeded to bring
cases of beer (Oh, it made my heart sing).
More Bud and more Coors, even Michelob Light
More Killian’s and Beck’s; what a wonderful sight!

My guests started cheering, the Bush girls did flips.
Even the secret service were whetting their lips.
The Kennedy’s came by; John Daly did, too.
The Spirit of Christmas was sure coming through.

I looked out my window and spotted St. Nick
Chugging a pitcher, and chugging it quick!
And I heard him exclaim as he flew fast away,
“Drink, but don’t drive” as he crashed his new sleigh.

Male Date Rape Drug

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from a woman.

A new date rape drug on the market, called “beer”, is being used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is available almost anywhere. “Beer” is sometimes used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to convince their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no-strings attached sex. Men are helpless against this approach: After several “beers” men often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts with women to whom they would usually not be attracted. Men often awaken after being given “beer” with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before, just a vague feeling something bad occurred.

Some unfortunate men report having been trapped in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” Apparently men are easy victims for this scam after “beer” is administered and they’ve been sexually approached previously.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you should fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women plying it, there are male Support groups in most towns where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly-affected, like-minded guys.

Do Re Mi Beer

by Homer J. Simpson

DOUGH… the stuff…that buys me beer…

RAY….. the guy that sells me beer…

ME…… the guy… who drinks the beer,

FAR….. the distance to my beer

SO…… I think I’ll have a beer…

LA…… La la la la la la beer

TEA….. no thanks, I’m drinking beer…

That will bring us back to…(Looks into an empty glass)


Darwin Award – Hydrogen Beer

TOKYO (AP) – The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr. Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is counter suing for defamation and loss of customers.

The Asaka Beer Corporation brews “Suiso” brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques. Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer. The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one’s mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere.

“Mr. Otoma has no-one to blame but himself. If he had not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have happened. Our security guards undergo the most careful screening and training before they are allowed to deal with customers” said Mr. Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take Bar. “Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximize the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgement is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager he was badly out of tune.”

“He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge, singeing the front of Mrs. Mifune’s hair, entirely removing her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby customers. None of these people have returned to my bar. When our security staff approached he turned his attentions to them, making it almost impossible to approach him. Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr. Otoma’s knees, knocking his legs from under him. The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled Mr. Otoma’s legs backwards also pivoted around his center of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity. It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette.”

“The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential muteness and loss of employment are his own fault.” Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment.

Cool Things About Having a Beer Belly

  • You’re less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls.
  • It doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer.
  • It’s a great way to meet cute female cardiologists.
  • Extra gravity makes it that much less likely you’ll ever be thrown free of the earth into deep space.
  • Your bellybutton can store up to eight quarters for the parking meter.
  • And finally, the COOLEST thing about having a beer belly:


The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Beer Troubleshooting

  • SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
  • SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
  • SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
  • SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
  • SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.
  • SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
  • SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
  • SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
  • SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
  • SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.
  • SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
  • SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him.
  • SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
  • SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
    FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.
  • SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
  • SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar.

Why Beer is Better than Religion…

  • No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
  • Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
  • Beer has never caused a major war.
  • They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
  • When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
  • Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
  • You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
  • There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.
  • You can prove you have a Beer.
  • If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Beer Facts

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the “honey month” or what we know today as the “honeymoon”. I have also heard that it was believed that if the groom drank mead for an entire moon it would enhance the chances of his wife bearing a male heir, the bride however had to abstain from drinking alcohol at all.

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn’t grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase “rule of thumb”.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”.

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term “berserk” means “bare shirt” in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy’s rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren’t too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term “grog” soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were “groggy”, a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle”, is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Beer Guts of America

My uncle had a beer gut that weighed two hundred pounds
He used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town
They treat him like a king when he walks into Woody’s bar
His beer gut pays for lights and heat and Woody’s brand new car.

Nudsie got a beer gut that gets bigger every year
Since Nudsie gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer
He was lying on the beach one day, the bbq kept getting hotter
Some save the whale freaks came and dragged him back into the water.

Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it’s a friend who’s always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer

Mungo drank a pony keg at Droopy Aho’s wedding
His eyes went rolling round and round and then he started sweating
He tripped on Duck and Fuzz ’cause they were passed out on the floor
He landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door

I took my date into the sauna and on the bench we sat
She pointed and she said “I’ve never seen one big as that.”
She held it and she stroked it and she told me with a smile,
“Body builders make me sick, but beer guts drive me wild.”

Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it’s a friend who’s always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer.