What I Want in a Man

  • What I Want in a Man (age 22)
    Financially successful
    A caring listener
    In good shape
    Dresses with style
    Appreciates finer things
    Full of thoughtful surprises
    An imaginative, romantic lover, every day of the week
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
    Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
    Opens car doors, holds chairs
    Has enough money for a nice dinner
    Listens more than talks
    Laughs at my jokes
    Carries bags of groceries with ease
    Owns at least one tie
    Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
    Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
    Seeks romance at least 4-5 times a week
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
    Not too ugly (bald head OK)
    Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
    Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
    Nods head when I’m talking
    Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
    Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
    Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
    Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
    Remembers to put the toilet seat down
    Shaves most weekends
    Interested in romance 2-3 times a week
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
    Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
    Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
    Doesn’t borrow money too often
    Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
    Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
    Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
    Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
    Appreciates a good TV dinner
    Remembers your name on occasion
    Shaves some weekends
    Hope for a kiss each day
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
    Doesn’t scare small children
    Remembers where bathroom is
    Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
    Only snores lightly when asleep
    Remembers why he’s laughing
    Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
    Usually wears some clothes
    Likes soft foods
    Remembers where he left his teeth
    Remembers that it’s the weekend
    Remembers what romance was like
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
    Doesn’t miss the toilet

Ways to Drive the Man in Your Life Crazy

  • Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
  • Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
  • Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
  • Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he’s gained a few pounds.
  • Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.
  • “Accidentally” fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
  • Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
  • Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
  • Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who “needs it more than he does.”
  • Insist upon a lot of “meaningful conversations.”
  • If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
  • Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
  • Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his “sinking” on film.
  • Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
  • Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don’t know about to his younger brother, who he hates.
  • Put a gummy worm in his workboots. If he finds the sticky mess at the end of the day, blame it on the cat.
  • Slip outside while he is engrossed in his sports and let the air out of one tire. Repeat, never deflating the same tire twice in a row. Try hard not to snicker when he takes the car in for new tires.
  • If you really feel adventurous, put a small rock in his hubcap. Stand back and watch the fun. This one is even better if you have kids in the neighborhood to take the blame.
  • Along the same lines, remove his gas cap.

Relationship Contract

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that…

  • Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

    • Section 1.01 And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
    • Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

  • Section 2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman –
    it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.
  • Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

    • Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
    • Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

  • Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

    • Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.

  • Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
    • Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
    • Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
    • Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
    • Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard…
  • Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men”.
  • Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything *mechanical*.
    • Section 7.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

A Perfect Story

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer…

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep’a scrollin’…

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

Phrases Men Wish Their Women Would Say

  • Of course I’ll swallow it all…I love the taste!
  • Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
  • I’m bored…let’s shave my pussy.
  • Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?
  • That was a GREAT fart! Do another!
  • I have decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
  • You’re so sexy when you are hung over!
  • I would rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
  • Let’s subscribe to Hustler.
  • Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
  • Say, let’s go down to the mall so that you can check out women’s asses!
  • I will be out painting the house.
  • I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays, too.
  • Honey? Our new neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing again…come see!
  • I know it’s tighter back there, but will you PLEASE try again?
  • No, no…I’ll take the car in for an oil change.
  • Your mother is way better than mine!
  • Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s Day thing and buy yourself some new golf clubs!
  • I understand fully; our anniversary comes every year, for Christ’s sake! You go hunting with the guys. It’s a great stress reliever!
  • What do you say we get a good porno movie, a 6-pack of Bud, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome?
  • No, not the fucking mall again! Let’s try that new tittie bar instead!
  • Listen…I make enough money for us both. Why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8?
  • Honey, you need your sleep…stop getting up for night feedings!
  • God, if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to bust!
  • I signed up for yoga classes so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.
  • Let’s just skip the foreplay and romance, and get right down to fucking!
  • I am on my period, so why don’t you let me blow you? Better yet, go ahead and screw the secretary!

If Men Ruled The World

  • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To “I love you.”
  • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  • Garbage would take itself out.
  • Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
  • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
  • Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn’t help — you STILL wouldn’t remember!)
  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off. Mother’s Day, too.
  • St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
  • But it would be celebrated every month.
  • Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.
  • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
  • Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
  • Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

What Every Man Expects in a Wife

  • She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
  • She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
  • She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
  • Her beauty won’t run in a rainstorm.
  • She will never be sick–just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
  • She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it’s good for her figure.
  • She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
  • Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
  • She will hate charge cards.
  • Her favorite expression will be, “What can I do for you, Dear?”
  • She will think you have Einstein’s brain but look like Mr. America.
  • She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
  • She will love you because you’re so sexy.

25 Things Women Want To Hear

  1. Gee, Sweetheart, let’s skip dinner tonight. The only thing I’m hungry for is you.
  2. Wow, I just don’t know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don’t you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
  3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
  4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it’s one thing I hate it’s skinny women.
  5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
  6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don’t like sex that much anyway. (Huh?? – ^v^)
  7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn’t seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
  8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station…. tickets to either the Super Bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
  9. Be careful Darling…don’t let it go too far down your throat.
  10. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it’s freshly mowed.
  11. While you’re up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I’ve had enough beer.
  12. Shoot, there’s nothing on TV but football games. Let’s go furniture shopping.
  13. There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?
  14. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
  15. I’m getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
  16. You know, I think I’d really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
  17. Look at that… disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?
  18. Golly I think we’re lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions
  19. .

  20. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don’t you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
  21. If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I’m busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
  22. You know Sweetheart, I’m really glad you don’t like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.
  23. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
  24. If you’re looking for me later, I’ll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
  25. You know, we really don’t visit your relatives enough.
  26. Why don’t you relax this weekend. I’ll take care of the cooking and housework.