I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that…
- Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
- Section 1.01 And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
- Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
- Section 2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman –
it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.
- Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
- Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
- Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
- Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
- Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.
- Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
- Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
- Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
- Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
- Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard…
- Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men”.
- Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything *mechanical*.
- Section 7.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)