Relationship Contract

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that…

  • Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

    • Section 1.01 And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
    • Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

  • Section 2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman –
    it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.
  • Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

    • Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
    • Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

  • Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

    • Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.

  • Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
    • Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
    • Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
    • Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
    • Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard…
  • Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men”.
  • Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything *mechanical*.
    • Section 7.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…

(especially when you share the same major!)

  • Psychology
    Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
  • Sociology
    Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
  • Archaeology
    One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
  • Theatre
    “OH! Life is… ENDED… as we KNOW it!”
  • Biology
    “You just wanted to get in my genes!”
  • Physics
    Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
  • Journalism
    “Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks…”
  • Women’s Studies
    “HE did it!”
  • Business
    Both decide that they’re spending way too much money together, and that it’s simply cheaper to be single.
  • History
    Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
  • Geography
    Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
  • Anatomy
    “I never liked your body anyway.”
  • Economics
    One party demands more than the other can supply.

Why Cats are Better Than Men

  • A cat always hits the litterbox.
  • Better chance of training a cat.
  • No matter what your cat drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.
  • You never have to spend time with your cat’s mother.
  • If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.
  • A cat purrs when you serve him dinner.
  • You can de-claw a cat… try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
  • It’s okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
  • You don’t have to worry about your cat turn into a pig when you host a party.
  • A cat knows you’re the key to his happiness… a man thinks he is.
  • If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

His and Hers Road Trip


  1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
  2. Opens window
  3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
  4. Arrives at destination presently.


  1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
  2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
  3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
  4. Finally rolls down window.
  5. Hocks a loogie.
  6. Pulls up to a 7-11.
  7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
  8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
  9. Gets back into car.
  10. Farts.
  11. After he closes the door.
  12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
  13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
  14. Almost hits a deer.
  15. Curses the night.
  16. Curses you.
  17. Curses the large slurpee.
  18. Stops by the side of the road.
  19. Takes a leak.
  20. Still taking a leak.
  21. Almost done.
  22. I think.
  23. Returns to car.
  24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
  25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
  26. Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
  27. He hates your sister.
  28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
  29. He had to look up pernicious.
  30. Couldn’t find a dictionary.
  31. Finally found a dictionary.
  32. Couldn’t spell pernicious.
  33. Seethes at the memory of it all
  34. But she is laughing inside…
  35. And of course you’re still lost.

The Ms. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Ms. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your stomach is bigger than mine.

___ Your name is objectionable subjecting my future children to it could scar and yes, scare them for life.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy shoes by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you big boy?” comment, given the 9 months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the faithful check.

___ I find your inability to cook & clean my house extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that you live with your Mother reveals an inherent psychological syndrome that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You mention your ex-boyfriends name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: looks do matter.


[Your name here]

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear (____rejectee’s name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (see below)

[Check all those that apply]

  • ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
  • ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
  • ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
  • ___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
  • ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
  • ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
  • ___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.
  • ___ You failed the credit check.
  • ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
  • ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
  • ___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
  • ___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.
  • ___ You mention your ex-wife’s name more than you mention mine.
  • ___ Your gift of a 2 oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds, showed style.
  • ___ Three final words…. Size does matter.


[Your name here]

Email Rejection Letter

The following is an email rejection letter. Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:

Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition:

(men will check those that apply)

_____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

______Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload” indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

______My breasts are bigger than yours.

______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

______Your repeated comments such as, “Is it still called a penis when it’s this small?” were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he “beats that domestic abuse rap” shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be “just like college” seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


(Your name)

Application to Date Our Daughter

  1. Place your Photo here.
  2. Name
    Date of birth
    Phone Number
    Social Security Number
    Boy Scout rank
    Mother’s name
    Father’s name
  3. Do you own or have any of these items:

    ___ motorcycle
    ___ muscle car or sports car
    ___ earring or piercing anywhere
    ___ van
    ___ firearm
    ___ tattoo
    ___ truck with oversized tires
    ___ exotic pet, such as a snake
    ___ electric guitar

    [If you checked any of these items, discontinue application and leave immediately.]

  4. Do you:
    Do you smoke? Yes No
    Do you drink? Yes No
    Do you gamble? Yes No
    Have you ever been arrested? Yes No
    Do you ever drive over the speed limit? Yes No
    Have you ever seen Elvis? Yes No
    Have you ever seen a UFO? Yes No
    Have you ever seen Elvis in a UFO? Yes No
    Watched a porn video? Yes No

    [If you answered Yes to any of the preceeding questions, discontinue application and leave immediately.]

  5. Preferred dating activity:
  6. ___ Walk in the park
    ___ Watch a School play
    ___ Minature Golf

  7. In 50 words or less, tell exactly what the words “Don’t be late” mean to you.
  8. You must attach a complete police record and latest diploma or transcript.
  9. Signatures:

    Your Signature: _____________________________

    Parents’ signatures:____________________________ _________________________________

    Police Chief’s signature: ______________________________

  10. [Please allow 4 to 6 years for processing. Any unanswered questions will result in forfeiture of application. Apply at your own risk.

Cyber Breakup Letter

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of “brb gotta pee” took some of the romance out of it.

____ Your use of the term “the ol’ cyber ball and chain” to refer to me has hurt my feelings.

____ I’ve found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.

____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:

    ____ You typed: “I remove my bra” when you claimed to be a man.

    ____ You typed: “I enter you” when you claimed to be a woman.

    ____ You typed your own name at the end.

    ____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.

____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.

____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

____ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.

____ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.

____ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

____ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you’re spending on the computer.

____ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.

____ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

____ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.

____ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We’ve simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

____ Sincerely,

____ Gleefully,

____ I have to go before the warden calls “lights out,”

____ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

____ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]

Are You the Right Person For Me?

Met someone special on a BBS or the internet? Wanna ask them out but not sure if you’re willing to take the chance at having a life scarring experience? No problem! Give ’em this little survey to fill out. Then review the answers and decide how willing you are to take your life in your hands. Good luck!

  1. My name is:_______________________________.
  2. The gender I claim to be is: (M)ale (F)emale
  3. My real gender is: (M)ale (F)emale (T)hree-Mile Island
  4. The age group I fall into is:
    1. 40 and older
    2. 30-39
    3. 21-29
    4. 15-20
    5. I wanna be a Power Ranger
  5. In the past year, I have had:
    1. 1-5 dates
    2. 6-10 dates
    3. 11-15 dates
    4. More than 16 dates
    5. I rape sheep
  6. I have the proper height/weight ratio for:
    1. the average human of my age and gender
    2. Gorgo, the four-head Dragon
    3. a washer and dryer set
    4. Ireland
    5. My gelatinous mass cannot be measured at any given moment for I am an ever-shifting entity
  7. The reason I stayed at home last Friday night was:
    1. the last time I got in a car, all four wheels popped.
    2. strict upbringing makes me morally superior.
    3. the voices won’t let me.
    4. it was a bad idea to drown Marge.
  8. On a date, I prefer to take my companion/be taken to:
    1. a romantic, candlelit Italian cafe’.
    2. International House of Pancakes.
    3. Bubba’s Beer and Bait Shop.
    4. the dumpster behind 7-11.
  9. For entertainment, I like to:
    1. watch movies/plays.
    2. watch cock fights.
    3. undulate my twelve chins to the theme of “Bewitched.”
    4. snap the necks of mammals smaller than me.
  10. My idea of the perfect male/female is:
    1. Keanu Reeves/Winona Ryder.
    2. Trent Reznor/Courtney Love
    3. Oral Roberts/Janet Reno.
    4. my fist/my fingers.
  11. My hobbies are:
    1. collecting books/stamps/insects.
    2. computers.
    3. small Hungarian women named Loopy.
    4. eating at least ten times my body weight.
    5. acne.
  12. My first words were:
    1. “Mama/Dada.”
    2. “Seconds please.”
    3. “Yours and the souls of your friends shall be mine!”
    4. “Touch me… touch me there.”
  13. My dream career is:
    1. millionaire playboy/playgirl.
    2. garbage collector so I can cash in on all their nifty benefits.
    3. anything with barbed wire.
    4. street gang moving target.
    5. lard wrestler.
  14. I consider my body to be:
    1. a temple to the gods of desire.
    2. average, but could use work.
    3. proof God is far-sighted.
    4. I am mainland China.
    5. Just write “Titanic” on my behind.
  15. If I could have one wish, it would be:
    1. peace on earth.
    2. piece of William Shatner’s behind.
    3. four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman.
    4. a quick and easy cure for genital warts.
  16. I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies:
    1. never/seldom.
    2. often, and they always insist on body cavity searches.
    3. my family portrait is at the post office.
    4. I was arrests #234-289 on “America’s Most Wanted.”
  17. What I would like to accomplish in my life most is:
    1. happiness. [Shut up, you hippy]
    2. a sixth finger.
    3. the ultimate Helen Keller imitation.
    4. working my way into Zsa Zsa Gabor’s pants.
    5. Ridding the highway of all lone shoes.
  18. A nickname my friends may give me would be:
    1. Sexy/Ace/Bunny/Sweetie/etc.
    2. Scrotum Thief.
    3. Commander Nasal Clit and his Amazing Elbow, Sparky.
    4. The Thrustinator.
    5. Exxxxtacy Maggot.
  19. My favorite thing about holidays is:
    1. the warm feeling of being with family and friends.
    2. food, food, food.
    3. it means I’m one year closer to freedom.
    4. Grandpa’s annual orgy of the Damned.
  20. My favorite meal is:
    1. a well balanced healthy dinner.
    2. whatever’s stuck to t he bottom of my chair.
    3. Indian boys about 4′ tall, 11 years old, 90 lbs.
    4. boiled semen with a side order of lovin’.
  21. My favorite type of literature is:
    1. computer tests like this one.
    2. public restroom stalls.
    3. anything on the newsgroup alt.beastiality.
    4. the magic writing on the back of my foot.
    5. the toe tags at the morgue when I’m on my “rounds.”
  22. My political views are:
    1. Democrat (bleeding heart, egg sucking liberal)
    2. Republican (money grubbing child molester)
    3. Libertarian (What’s the matter? not enough spine for a real party?)
    4. Rastafarian [?]
  23. (For females or Richard Simmons) When I walk by construction sights, the workers:
    1. whistle and cat-call.
    2. shield their eyes.
    3. jump of the high rise to end it quick and painlessly.
    4. throw rocks.
    5. Man, they can really aim that demolition ball.
  24. If I were an animal in the zoo, I’d be:
    1. a love bird.
    2. an orangutan, pooping in my hands and throwing it.
    3. the dead animal that’s been rotting for three days.
    4. a deformed, blind baby kangaroo.
  25. My favorite type of music is:
    1. hard rock with no lyric and talentless bands.
    2. country music, cuz I’m a good ol’ boy and I like to touch my sister’s “fun zones.”
    3. Tejano music (the soothing rythyms of a blaring accordian)
    4. Groups like “the Cure” because I can pretend I’m a vampire and act so dark and depressing when I’m nothing more than a sexually repressed teen who is upset ’cause my father didn’t hug me enough and fulfill my bizarre, incestuous fantasies.
    5. Classi….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
  26. the best type of pet is:
    1. dog.
    2. cat.
    3. anything that can “spread eagle” quick and likes “heavy petting.”
    4. Darn you! Darn you! Vulcans need no pets!
    5. toasters- don’t ask.
  27. My last relationship was ruined because:
    1. I dropped my pants and he/she laughed.
    2. he/she couldn’t put up with my habit of putting my body parts into pencil sharpeners and screaming, “Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!”
    3. his/her is scattered across Delaware- shhh, don’t tell.
    4. she kept leaving the toilet seat up.
  28. If my life had a slogan, it would be:
    1. “Get a piece of the rock.”
    2. [Kool-Aid Man voice] “Oooooh yeah!”
    3. “Still legal in 32 states.”
    4. “Mormon approved.”
  29. I use my computer most for:
    1. work.
    2. play.
    3. communications.
    4. DOOM [no one PLAYS Doom]
    5. trapping hapless fools for consumption.
    6. trying to discover a user’s footsize by handle.
    7. a sex slave. (My computer gave me the Michaelangelo virus)
  30. What issues concern/interest you the most?
    1. AIDS.
    2. racism.
    3. foreign policy.
    4. cattle mutilations.
    5. If the Mystique Sponge have tracked me yet.
    6. How I can get my hands on the neck of Knight of Nee.
  31. The title of my (auto)biography would be:
    1. “Sweet Jesus! Thank God he’s DEAD!”
    2. “Lifestyles of the Mundane and Mediocre.”
    3. “Spoon Your Way To Fame and Fortune.”
    4. “Going in His/Her Pants.”
    5. “Still a Virgin.”
  32. My favorite pick-up line is:
    1. “Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random limb)?”
    2. “Do I pay you or the guy in the pink suit?”
    3. “Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?”
    4. “I bet I can bench press you!”
    5. “Your eyes are so entrancing.. your skin so delicate… wanna make love?”
  33. My sign is:
    1. Some zodiac thing.
    2. “Child at play.”
    3. “All you can eat.”
    4. “Billions and Billions served.”
    5. “Dip.”
  34. My dream car is:
    1. a 1979 blue Mustang Gia named Laura Palmer.
    2. the 1960’s Batmobile.
    3. a hearse.
    4. anything I can fit in the backseat of.
    5. an Edsel.
  35. If I ever got the chance to meet the makers of this form, I’d:
    1. shower them with love and adoration. [a threat in itself]
    2. become the authors’ personal tonsil hockey slave.
    3. attempt to beat the heck out of them.
    4. ask them to autograph my spine.
    5. tell them to drop their pants and squeal like a pig.

Have A Nice Day!