ABC Vending Service Complaint Reply Form

Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints about our vending service.

___ We are aware that _____________ machine has not been stocked in _____ days.

    ___ We are waiting for the weekend.
    ___ We are out of items that have expired.
    ___ We’re busy, don’t bother us about this.
    ___ We don’t care.

___ We are aware that the price for __________ seems high at $_______ but,

    ___ we have to make a living.
    ___ we use an algorithm 3*retail+your_age.
    ___ we charge others more.
    ___ we adjust it to allow for spoilage.

___ We are aware that

    ___ the sodas are warm
    ___ the milk is curdled
    ___ sandwiches are stale
    ___ gum is hard
    ___ candy bars are petrified
    and assure you that that is the way it is supposed to be, really.

___ We understand that

    ___ the bill changer can’t,
    ___ coin return won’t,
    ___ product selection doesn’t,

    and believe that
    ___ you should relax, it all evens out.
    ___ learn to live with it.
    ___ bring in your own change next time.
    ___ be happy it gave you anything.
    ___ quit eating so much junk food.

Thank you and Happy Eating.

Technical Support Request Form

 1. Describe your problem:

 2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

 4. Problem Severity:

    A. Minor__
    B. Minor__
    C. Minor__
    D. Trivial__

 5. Nature of the problem:

    A. Locked Up__
    B. Frozen__
    C. Hung__
    D. Strange Smell__

 6. Is your computer plugged in?
      Yes__ No__

 7. Is it turned on?
      Yes__ No__

 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
      Yes__ No__

 9. Have you made it worse?
      Yes__

10. Have you had “a friend” who “Knows all about computers” try to fix it for you?
      Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse?
      Yes__

12. Have you read the manual?
      Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual?
      Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual?
      No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?
      Yes__ No__

16. If ‘Yes’ then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself.

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

18. If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in?

19. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem?
      Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?
      Yes__ What’s a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of ‘PCs for Dummies’?
      Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?
      Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work?
      Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?
      Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?
      Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire?
      Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me?
      Yes__

News From College

We understand how busy college students can be this time of year. We hope this form letter will help you keep in touch with your parents. Simply check or fill-in appropriate blanks.

Date: ______________

Dear Parent(s),

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

  • Please send:
    __ Money (Cash)!       Amount: _________________________
    __ Food (Cookies)!     Dozens: ___________
    __ Clean clothes!
  • Relationships:

    __ What?
    __ I am in love with myself
    __ I am in love!
    __ I am engaged
    __ I got married last weekend

  • My Roommate:

    __ Worships the ground I walk on
    __ Gave me a black eye
    __ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
    __ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed???
    __ Has fleas

  • My Professors are:

    __ Sadistic water walkers
    __ Mental institution escapees
    __ Brain dead nerds
    __ Super oxygen thieves

  • Latest News:

    __ I wrecked the car
    __ I can’t use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
    __ You are going to have a grandchild
    __ False alarm – you are NOT going to have a grandchild

  • Food:

    __ Is great!
    __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
    __ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

  • Health:

    __ I have gained _____ pounds
    __ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
    __ My HIV test was: (check one) ____ positive ____ negative
    __ I died yesterday!

  • Grades:

    __ I am making all A’s
    __ I am not being properly challenged
    __ I will be home after this semester

  • I study:

    __ Night and day
    __ All the time
    __ 80 hours a week
    __ Only on Sunday afternoon
    __ None of the above

  • Daily Devotions:

    __ I read my Bible everyday
    __ I can’t read
    __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

  • On my last visit home, I left:

    __ My glasses
    __ My paper that was due yesterday
    __ The clothes you washed for me
    __ My (girlfriend’s) birth control pills
    __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
    __ Other _____________________________________________

    Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

  • Laundry:

    __ My white underwear is now _________________
    __ I am saving money by not using detergent
    __ Don’t worry, I washed my clothes last semester
    __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

  • My room:

    __ Can pass your “white glove” test
    __ Is only _____% full
    __ Could not be located last Saturday night
    __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

  • Parties:

    __ I don’t inhale
    __ I only go to meet people
    __ Haven’t been to one since this morning

  • Hope you:

    __ Miss me
    __ Can live without me
    __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

  • Salutation:

    __ Your Daughter,
    __ Your Son,
    __ Yours,

    __________________________________________________
    Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
    Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark (“X”)

The Ms. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Ms. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your stomach is bigger than mine.

___ Your name is objectionable subjecting my future children to it could scar and yes, scare them for life.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy shoes by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you big boy?” comment, given the 9 months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the faithful check.

___ I find your inability to cook & clean my house extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that you live with your Mother reveals an inherent psychological syndrome that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You mention your ex-boyfriends name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: looks do matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear (____rejectee’s name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (see below)

[Check all those that apply]

  • ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
  • ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
  • ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
  • ___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
  • ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
  • ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
  • ___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.
  • ___ You failed the credit check.
  • ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
  • ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
  • ___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
  • ___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.
  • ___ You mention your ex-wife’s name more than you mention mine.
  • ___ Your gift of a 2 oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds, showed style.
  • ___ Three final words…. Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

McDonnell Douglas Customer Satisfaction Form

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

  1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
    [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other

    First Name:……………………………………………..
    Initial: ……..
    Last Name:………………………………………………
    Password: ………………………… (max 8 char)
    Code Name: ………………………………………………
    Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ……….. ……….. ……….

  2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
    [_] F-14 Tomcat
    [_] F-15 Eagle
    [_] F-16 Falcon
    [_] F-117A Stealth
    [_] Classified
  3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20……. /……. /…….
  4. Serial Number:………………………………………….
  5. Please check where this product was purchased:
    [_] Received as gift / aid package
    [_] Catalog showroom
    [_] Independent arms broker
    [_] Mail order
    [_] Discount store
    [_] Government surplus
    [_] Classified
  6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
    [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
    [_] Store display
    [_] Espionage
    [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
    [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
    [_] Was attacked by one
  7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
    [_] Style / appearance
    [_] Speed / maneuverability
    [_] Price / value
    [_] Comfort / convenience
    [_] Kickback / bribe
    [_] Recommended by salesperson
    [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
    [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
    [_] Backroom politics
    [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
  8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
    [_] North America
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Central / South America
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Aircraft carrier
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Europe
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
    [_] Israel
    [_] Africa
    [_] Russia
    [_] Asia / Far East
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Misc. Third World countries
    [_] Pakistan
    [_] Classified
    [_] Iraq
  9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
    [_] Color TV
    [_] VCR
    [_] ICBM
    [_] Killer Satellite
    [_] CD Player
    [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
    [_] Space Shuttle
    [_] Home Computer
    [_] Nuclear Weapon
  10. 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)
    [_] Communist / Socialist
    [_] Terrorist
    [_] Crazed
    [_] Neutral
    [_] Democratic
    [_] Dictatorship
    [_] Corrupt
    [_] Primitive / Tribal
  11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
    [_] Deficit spending
    [_] Cash
    [_] Suitcases of cocaine
    [_] Trunks of heroin
    [_] Oil revenues
    [_] Personal check
    [_] Credit card
    [_] Ransom money
    [_] Traveler’s check
  12. Your occupation:
    [_] Homemaker
    [_] Sales / marketing
    [_] Revolutionary
    [_] Clerical
    [_] Mercenary
    [_] Tyrant
    [_] Middle management
    [_] Eccentric billionaire
    [_] Defense Minister / General
    [_] Retired
    [_] Student
  13. To help us understand our customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
    [_] Golf
    [_] Boating / sailing
    [_] Sabotage
    [_] Running / jogging
    [_] Propaganda / disinformation
    [_] Destabilization / overthrow
    [_] Default on loans
    [_] Gardening
    [_] Crafts
    [_] Black market / smuggling
    [_] Collectibles / collections
    [_] Watching sports on TV
    [_] Wines
    [_] Swinging / Orgies
    [_] Watching pornographic videos
    [_] Making pornographic videos
    [_] Interrogation / torture
    [_] Household pets
    [_] Crushing rebellions
    [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
    [_] Fashion clothing
    [_] Border disputes
    [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future – as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

Interview Rejection Letter

Next time your application for a job is rejected…

Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm’s Name]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

Universal Grade Change Form

School: ______________________

To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

  1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
  2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
  3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
    ______Medical School
    ______Graduate School
    ______Dental School
    ______My Fraternity/Sorority
    ______The Mickey Mouse Club
    ______Tri County Tech
  4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in:
    _______________.
  5. I’ll lose my scholarship.
  6. I’m on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam.
  7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
  8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
  9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
  10. You are prejudiced against:
    ____Males
    ____Jews
    ____Blacks
    ____Females
    ____Catholics
    ____Whites
    ____Protestants
    ____Moslems
    ____Minorities
    ____Chicanos
    ____People
    ____Students
  11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
  12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
    ____mono
    ____broken baby finger
    ____sniffles
    ____heebie jeebies
    ____acute alcoholism
    ____pregnancy
    ____VD
    ____parenthood
  13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
  14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
  15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
  16. The lectures were:
    ____too detailed to pick out important points
    ____not explained in sufficient detail
    ____too boring
    ____all jokes and not enough material
    ____all material and not enough jokes
    ____all of the above
  17. This course was:
    ____too early, I was not awake.
    ____at lunchtime, I was hungry
    ____too late, I was tired
  18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up) on my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
  19. Other__________________________________

Thank you. I will expect to see my adjusted grade tomorrow.

The Flame Form Letter

For those that apply, please fill out the form below, and return it immediately to your local state representative, congressman, grocer, or recently fired postal worker ….

Dear:_________________

[ ] Clueless Newbie
[ ] Lamer
[ ] AOLer
[ ] Me-too-er
[ ] Pervert
[ ] Geek
[ ] Spammer
[ ] Nerd ] Elvis
[ ] Fed
[ ] Freak
[ ] Scientologist
[ ] Socialist
[ ] Bible-thumper
[ ] anonymous coward

You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You posted a “test” in a newsgroup other than alt.test
[ ] You posted warez in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
[ ] You posted something asking for warez sites
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a “YOU ALL SUCK” message
[ ] You said “me too” to something
[ ] You suck
[ ] You brag about things that never happened
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You made up slang then used it in a message
[ ] I don’t like your tone of voice
[ ] I think you might be a fed
[ ] You posted to more than four newsgroups
[ ] You were imposing your religious beliefs on others
[ ] You posted something really stupid/depraved
[ ] You tried to blame others for your stupidity
[ ] you incorrectly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority
[ ] you are posting an anonymous attack

To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Be the PR person for George Michaels
[ ] Give up your AOL account
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the FAQ
[ ] Be Senator Exon’s love slave
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Post your tests to alt.test
[ ] Print your home phone number in your adverts
[ ] Slam your fingers in a desk drawer repeatedly
[ ] Become a Satanist, sell your kids to Michael Jackson

In Closing, I’d Like to Say:
[ ] Bite me
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Yer momma’s so fat/stupid/ugly that etc…
[ ] Take your crap somewhere else
[ ] Learn to post or sod off
[ ] Do us all a favor and crawl into some industrial machinery
[ ] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
[ ] All of the above


p.s. Lighten up people – it’s just a joke 🙂 Before you dive for the Reply
key to bang out a nasty flame, keep in mind…. “sticks & stones”

Email Rejection Letter

The following is an email rejection letter. Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:

Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition:

(men will check those that apply)

_____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

______Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload” indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

______My breasts are bigger than yours.

______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

______Your repeated comments such as, “Is it still called a penis when it’s this small?” were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he “beats that domestic abuse rap” shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be “just like college” seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

(Your name)