Email Rejection Letter

The following is an email rejection letter. Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:

Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition:

(men will check those that apply)

_____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

______Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload” indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

______My breasts are bigger than yours.

______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

______Your repeated comments such as, “Is it still called a penis when it’s this small?” were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he “beats that domestic abuse rap” shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be “just like college” seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


(Your name)

Application to Date Our Daughter

  1. Place your Photo here.
  2. Name
    Date of birth
    Phone Number
    Social Security Number
    Boy Scout rank
    Mother’s name
    Father’s name
  3. Do you own or have any of these items:

    ___ motorcycle
    ___ muscle car or sports car
    ___ earring or piercing anywhere
    ___ van
    ___ firearm
    ___ tattoo
    ___ truck with oversized tires
    ___ exotic pet, such as a snake
    ___ electric guitar

    [If you checked any of these items, discontinue application and leave immediately.]

  4. Do you:
    Do you smoke? Yes No
    Do you drink? Yes No
    Do you gamble? Yes No
    Have you ever been arrested? Yes No
    Do you ever drive over the speed limit? Yes No
    Have you ever seen Elvis? Yes No
    Have you ever seen a UFO? Yes No
    Have you ever seen Elvis in a UFO? Yes No
    Watched a porn video? Yes No

    [If you answered Yes to any of the preceeding questions, discontinue application and leave immediately.]

  5. Preferred dating activity:
  6. ___ Walk in the park
    ___ Watch a School play
    ___ Minature Golf

  7. In 50 words or less, tell exactly what the words “Don’t be late” mean to you.
  8. You must attach a complete police record and latest diploma or transcript.
  9. Signatures:

    Your Signature: _____________________________

    Parents’ signatures:____________________________ _________________________________

    Police Chief’s signature: ______________________________

  10. [Please allow 4 to 6 years for processing. Any unanswered questions will result in forfeiture of application. Apply at your own risk.