You Might Be A Physics Major If…

  • if you have no life – and you can PROVE it mathematically.
  • if you enjoy pain.
  • if you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.
  • if you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
  • if you’ve actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
  • if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
  • if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
  • if you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
  • if you always do homework on Friday nights.
  • if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
  • if you think in “math.”
  • if you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
  • if you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.
  • if you have a pet named after a scientist.
  • if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
  • if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger’s Cat experiment.
  • if you can translate English into Binary.
  • if you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says “Exit.”
  • if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
  • If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
  • if you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
  • if you consider ANY non-science course “easy.”
  • if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
  • if the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
  • if you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
  • if you understood more than five of these indicators.
  • if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

Writing for Money

A college student wrote a letter home:

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son, Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, “Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came.”

A Quick Test

The Exam


Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

  1. History
    • Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
  2. Medicine
    • You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
  3. Public Speaking
    • 2,500 aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm Them. You may use any
      ancient language except Latin or Greek.
  4. Biology
    • Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
      Prove your theses.
  5. Music
    • Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum.
      You will find a piano under your seat.
  6. Psychology
    • Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
  7. Sociology
    • Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
  8. Epistemology
    • Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
  9. Management Science
    • Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an
      1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your
      algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
  10. Literature
    • Write an epic of not less than 10,000 rhymed couplets on The Ascent of
      Man; do not use more than four different languages. Then write a critical essay explaining the intentional fallacy of your poem.
  11. Engineering
    • The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
  12. Economics
    • Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, The Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
  13. Mathematics
    • Provide a counter example to Goldbach’s Conjecture. Reconstruct Fermat’s proof of Fermat’s Theorem. Using the construction paper and Scotch tape found on the back of this exam, build a working model of a sphere which can be turned inside out without any folds.
  14. Chemistry
    • Using the materials leftover in the box containing the rifle, along with the chemicals provided in the first aid kit, build an atomic bomb. This is to be used in the next question.
  15. Political Science
    • There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III.
      Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
  16. Physics
    • Explain the nature of matter. Include in you answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
  17. Philosophy
    • Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance.
      Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
  18. General Knowledge
    • Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit

    Define the universe. Give three examples.

If you finish before time is called, go back and check your work.

How to Write a Paper

  1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
  2. Read over the assignment carefully to make certain you understand it.
  3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
  4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class.
  5. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald’s and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper — printed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders — drop him.
  6. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
  7. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
  8. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
  9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
  10. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that’s it. I mean it. As soon as it’s over, you are going to start that paper.
  11. Listen to the another.
  12. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
  13. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
  14. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
  15. Read over the assignment again. Roll the words across your tongue. Savor its special flavor.
  16. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
    NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV, from “Masterpiece Theatre” to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon,” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:

    1. Pro Bowler’s Tour
    2. Any movie starring Don Ameche.
  17. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.
  18. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
  19. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
  20. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
  21. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
  22. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
  23. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
  24. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
  25. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
  26. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
  27. Leap up and write the paper.
  28. Print the paper.
  29. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write the darn paper.

High School Versus College

  • In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
  • No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
  • In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
  • In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher’s guide.
  • In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
  • In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
  • In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
  • Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn’t heard of it.)
  • In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.
  • In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.
  • In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
  • In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
  • In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.
  • In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
  • In college, weekends start on Thursday.
  • In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
  • Once you’ve obtained the information described in #10, it’s much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”
  • In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
  • In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.
  • In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
  • College men are cuter than high school boys.
  • College women are legal.
  • In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don’t need a note from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.
  • In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.
  • In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.

Final Exam Hymn

Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It’s infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

They are adding all my points up
And I haven’t earned but few
In fact, I haven’t even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas
But I won’t be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass
The truth was finally shown.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known.

Failing in Style

50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
  2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!"
  3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
  4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
  5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
  6. Bring cheerleaders.
  7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?"
  8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
  9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
  10. Bring pets.
  11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They’ve found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
  12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
  13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
  14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
  15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
  16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
  17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
  18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
  19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
  20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
  21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
  22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
  23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
  24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
  25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
  26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
  27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
  28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
  29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I’m here, the Phantom of the Opera" until they drag you away.
  30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
  31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
  32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
  33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
  34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
  35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
  36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
  37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
  38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
  39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
  40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
  41. One word: Wrestlemania.
  42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
  43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
  44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
  45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
  46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
  47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
  48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
  49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
  50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

University Entrance Exam – Football Player Version

Time Limit: 3 weeks

  1. Foreign Language: What Language is spoken in France?
  2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social conditions
    -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
  3. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
    1. build a bridge
    2. sail the ocean
    3. lead an army or
  4. Religion: What religion is the Pope?
    1. Jewish
    2. Catholic
    3. Hindu
    4. Polish
    5. Agnostic (circle only one)
  5. Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
  6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
  7. Religion: How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
  8. Geography: What are people in America’s far north called?
    1. Westerners
    2. Southerners
    3. Northerners
  9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
  10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
  11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from?
    1. Macy’s
    2. a 7-11
    3. Canada
    4. the sky
  12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
    1. yes
    2. no
  13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?
  14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
  15. Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-
    Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
  16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three story building located?
  17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    1. New York
    2. Florida
    3. Canada
    4. Wisconsin
  18. Advanced Math: If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
  19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
  20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
    1. B.C.
    2. A.D.
    3. still waiting
  21. You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

Things the College Viewbooks Don’t Tell You

  • Quarters are like gold.
  • Be creative in the dining hall.
  • Flip-flops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
  • You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
  • Getting to sleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
  • New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s, Ho-Hos and Oreos.
  • Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
  • Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)
  • Showers become less important.
  • Sleep becomes more important.
  • Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
  • Recycling becomes synonymous with laundry (“Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas…there’s only a *little* bit of mud on them…”).
  • You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
  • 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).
  • Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
  • It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, alcohol…
  • If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else’s notes.
  • You begin to nap again (also not new).
  • Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
  • Isn’t it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
  • Labs used to be fun.
  • T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
  • Squirt guns = stress relief.
  • E-mail becomes your second language.
  • Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
  • Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they’re a Godsend.
  • You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
  • You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
  • Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
  • Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you’d never know, but you could recite last week’s episode of “Friends” verbatim.
  • See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it’s actually proportional to the amount of money you have.
  • Road trip whenever possible.
  • Pick up all new lingo.
  • Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
  • Don’t burn bridges, especially if he’s good in Biology.
  • Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
  • The health service attendants are there because they couldn’t make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
  • Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.
  • Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
  • Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
  • College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom…and no curfew.
  • It never sucked so much to get sick.
  • Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
  • Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
  • You always thought that worshiping the porcelain god was just an expression…it’s not.
  • You’ll learn more about male genitalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.
  • Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
  • Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
  • Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
  • You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
  • Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
  • Any game can be made into a drinking game.
  • Disney movies are more than just classics.
  • Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
  • You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
  • Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don’t get the messages.
  • Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
  • Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
  • ATMs are the devil’s advocate.
  • Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
  • You almost forget how to drive.
  • You’ll drink anything if it’s free..
  • People still cheat, it’s just more technologically advanced.
  • You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
  • The girl you’re going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
  • Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurrence.
  • You never realized how cool you can be.
  • TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
  • You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.
  • Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
  • You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
  • You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.
  • You don’t have to cover your textbooks anymore.
  • You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, parties…
  • You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
  • People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
  • You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
  • You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).
  • Procrastination becomes an art.
  • Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).
  • The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
  • Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
  • With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you’re on intellectual welfare.
  • Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
  • Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.
  • You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
  • Classes: the later the better.
  • The cute girls actually talk to you now.
  • Care packages make it all worthwhile.
  • The longer you’re there, the less you talk about home.
  • Always wear your safety goggles, they’re not kidding.
  • You just don’t learn last names.
  • Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
  • That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
  • Card games never lasted for hours before.
  • Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
  • Boys will dance in college.
  • People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
  • You are NEVER alone.
  • You find out what beer sludge is.
  • It’s amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
  • You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
  • People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
  • You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
  • All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
  • You never realized how quiet your house was.
  • Dishes aren’t dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
  • Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
  • You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
  • Your life will never be the same again.

How to Recognize the Year of College Students

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said “Good Morning” to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded “Ah, you’re Freshmen.” He explained, “When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it’s Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it’s Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it’s juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it’s seniors.” When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it’s
graduate students.”