Tag Archives: military

Bush’s Plan to Streamline Military on Target

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During the 2000 Campaign, George W. Bush promised a leaner and more cost-efficient military. “I’m pleased to report,” the President spoke, “that we have downed the most sophisticated Chinese fighter without spending two million dollars on an air-to-air missile.”

President Bush’s “Don’t Ask, Just Give ’em Hell” policy is a sharp departure from former President Clinton’s focus on moving the Pentagon to San Francisco and painting Navy battleships a bright lavender.

The President was particularly pleased that it was a 50’s era propeller driven plane that took out the Chinese aircraft. “Heck, we bought and paid for that sucker fifty years ago. It didn’t cost the American taxpayer a single dime to take out that commie.”

Bush was also pleased his “Ram The Bastard” policy for Navy submarines was a rousing success. “Just think of all of the torpedoes we can save money on!” The President seemed only momentarily flustered when asked if the Navy should, perhaps, target enemies of the United States instead of friendly countries like Japan. “Didn’t Japan sink a bunch of our battleships in World War I or II? I’ll ask Poppy.”

The President wants to get the Army involved next by sending tanks into Canada. “Moscow’s in Canada, right?”

McDonnell Douglas Customer Satisfaction Form

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Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

  1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
    [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other

    First Name:……………………………………………..
    Initial: ……..
    Last Name:………………………………………………
    Password: ………………………… (max 8 char)
    Code Name: ………………………………………………
    Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ……….. ……….. ……….

  2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
    [_] F-14 Tomcat
    [_] F-15 Eagle
    [_] F-16 Falcon
    [_] F-117A Stealth
    [_] Classified

  3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20……. /……. /…….
  4. Serial Number:………………………………………….

  5. Please check where this product was purchased:
    [_] Received as gift / aid package
    [_] Catalog showroom
    [_] Independent arms broker
    [_] Mail order
    [_] Discount store
    [_] Government surplus
    [_] Classified

  6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
    [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
    [_] Store display
    [_] Espionage
    [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
    [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
    [_] Was attacked by one

  7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
    [_] Style / appearance
    [_] Speed / maneuverability
    [_] Price / value
    [_] Comfort / convenience
    [_] Kickback / bribe
    [_] Recommended by salesperson
    [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
    [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
    [_] Backroom politics
    [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

  8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
    [_] North America
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Central / South America
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Aircraft carrier
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Europe
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
    [_] Israel
    [_] Africa
    [_] Russia
    [_] Asia / Far East
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Misc. Third World countries
    [_] Pakistan
    [_] Classified
    [_] Iraq

  9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
    [_] Color TV
    [_] VCR
    [_] ICBM
    [_] Killer Satellite
    [_] CD Player
    [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
    [_] Space Shuttle
    [_] Home Computer
    [_] Nuclear Weapon

  10. 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)
    [_] Communist / Socialist
    [_] Terrorist
    [_] Crazed
    [_] Neutral
    [_] Democratic
    [_] Dictatorship
    [_] Corrupt
    [_] Primitive / Tribal

  11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
    [_] Deficit spending
    [_] Cash
    [_] Suitcases of cocaine
    [_] Trunks of heroin
    [_] Oil revenues
    [_] Personal check
    [_] Credit card
    [_] Ransom money
    [_] Traveler’s check

  12. Your occupation:
    [_] Homemaker
    [_] Sales / marketing
    [_] Revolutionary
    [_] Clerical
    [_] Mercenary
    [_] Tyrant
    [_] Middle management
    [_] Eccentric billionaire
    [_] Defense Minister / General
    [_] Retired
    [_] Student

  13. To help us understand our customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
    [_] Golf
    [_] Boating / sailing
    [_] Sabotage
    [_] Running / jogging
    [_] Propaganda / disinformation
    [_] Destabilization / overthrow
    [_] Default on loans
    [_] Gardening
    [_] Crafts
    [_] Black market / smuggling
    [_] Collectibles / collections
    [_] Watching sports on TV
    [_] Wines
    [_] Swinging / Orgies
    [_] Watching pornographic videos
    [_] Making pornographic videos
    [_] Interrogation / torture
    [_] Household pets
    [_] Crushing rebellions
    [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
    [_] Fashion clothing
    [_] Border disputes
    [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future – as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned in the Military

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  • If the enemy is in range, so are you.
  • Incoming fire has the right of way.
  • Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.
  • There is always a way.
  • The easy way is always mined.
  • Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
  • Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

  • The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:


    1. when you are ready for them

    2. when you are not ready for them

  • Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
  • If you can’t remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
  • The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
  • A “sucking chest wound” is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
  • If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
  • Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
  • Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
  • Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out.
  • Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
  • If you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in a combat zone.
  • When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
  • Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
  • If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.