Bush’s Plan to Streamline Military on Target

During the 2000 Campaign, George W. Bush promised a leaner and more cost-efficient military. “I’m pleased to report,” the President spoke, “that we have downed the most sophisticated Chinese fighter without spending two million dollars on an air-to-air missile.”

President Bush’s “Don’t Ask, Just Give ’em Hell” policy is a sharp departure from former President Clinton’s focus on moving the Pentagon to San Francisco and painting Navy battleships a bright lavender.

The President was particularly pleased that it was a 50’s era propeller driven plane that took out the Chinese aircraft. “Heck, we bought and paid for that sucker fifty years ago. It didn’t cost the American taxpayer a single dime to take out that commie.”

Bush was also pleased his “Ram The Bastard” policy for Navy submarines was a rousing success. “Just think of all of the torpedoes we can save money on!” The President seemed only momentarily flustered when asked if the Navy should, perhaps, target enemies of the United States instead of friendly countries like Japan. “Didn’t Japan sink a bunch of our battleships in World War I or II? I’ll ask Poppy.”

The President wants to get the Army involved next by sending tanks into Canada. “Moscow’s in Canada, right?”

McDonnell Douglas Customer Satisfaction Form

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All I Need to Know About Life I Learned in the Military

  • If the enemy is in range, so are you.
  • Incoming fire has the right of way.
  • Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.
  • There is always a way.
  • The easy way is always mined.
  • Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
  • Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
  • The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:

    1. when you are ready for them

    2. when you are not ready for them

  • Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
  • If you can’t remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
  • The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
  • A “sucking chest wound” is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
  • If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
  • Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
  • Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
  • Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out.
  • Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
  • If you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in a combat zone.
  • When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
  • Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
  • If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.