Tag Archives: gender difference

Oil Changing Instructions

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  • WOMEN:
    1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
    2. Drink a cup of coffee.
    3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
  • MEN:
    1. Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
    2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
    3. Open a beer and drink it.
    4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7. Place drain pan under engine.
    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10. Unscrew drain plug.
    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
    12. Clean up.
    13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
    14. Look for oil filter wrench.
    15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
    16. Beer.
    17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
    18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
    19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
    20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
    23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
    27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
    28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
    29. Begin cussing fit.
    30. Throw wrench.
    31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 2001.
    32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
    33. Beer.
    34. Beer.
    35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
    36. Beer.
    37. Lower car from jack stands.
    38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
    39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
    40. Drive car

His and Hers Road Trip

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HERS:

  1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
  2. Opens window
  3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
  4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

  1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
  2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
  3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
  4. Finally rolls down window.
  5. Hocks a loogie.
  6. Pulls up to a 7-11.
  7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
  8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
  9. Gets back into car.
  10. Farts.
  11. After he closes the door.
  12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
  13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
  14. Almost hits a deer.
  15. Curses the night.
  16. Curses you.
  17. Curses the large slurpee.
  18. Stops by the side of the road.
  19. Takes a leak.
  20. Still taking a leak.
  21. Almost done.
  22. I think.
  23. Returns to car.
  24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
  25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
  26. Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
  27. He hates your sister.
  28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
  29. He had to look up pernicious.
  30. Couldn’t find a dictionary.
  31. Finally found a dictionary.
  32. Couldn’t spell pernicious.
  33. Seethes at the memory of it all
  34. But she is laughing inside…
  35. And of course you’re still lost.