Things that Would Change if Microsoft Built Cars

  • A particular year’s model would not be available for at least 2 years until after it was scheduled to go into production.
  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you would have to restart it. For some bizarre reason, you accept this.
  • You couldn’t have more than one person in the car unless you purchased a CarXP or Car NT, and then you would have to buy extra seats.
  • Linux would build a car that ran on water, was twice as reliable, and 10 times as fast, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
  • The oil, gas, alternator and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “General Car Fault” light.
  • People would be excited about the ‘new’ features in Microsoft cars, forgetting that these features had been available in other cars a decade ago.
  • We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
  • The US Government would GET subsidies from Auto Manufacturers instead of GIVING them.
  • New seats would force everyone to get the same size butt!

Man is Like an Automobile…

  • As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.
  • The transmission won’t go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!
  • The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
  • The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!
  • It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
  • His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the ‘low position’ and ya can’t get anywhere that way.
  • But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

How To Survive With Women

Treat Them Like Your Car!

  • Give it a regular, thorough going over.
  • Touch up the exterior.
  • Rub it down nicely.
  • Make sure it’s waxed regularly.
  • Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting?
  • Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.
  • Change the lubrication.
  • Check the rubber is not wearing thin.
  • Keep an eye out for bald patches.
  • Lift up the front and have a long hard look.
  • Check the rear end is clean and tidy.
  • Check for spare tire and any handles.
  • Keep an eye on fuel consumption.
  • Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days.
  • Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.
  • Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable?
  • Ensure that it responds well to you when you’re in the driving seat.
  • Make sure it’s always clean inside.

Where to Park?

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies “Well, okay.”

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies, “Well, okay.”

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and then the power went out and Ole didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, “What am I going to do now, Lena?”

Lena replies, “Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage.”

Oil Changing Instructions

  • WOMEN:
    1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
    2. Drink a cup of coffee.
    3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
  • MEN:
    1. Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
    2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
    3. Open a beer and drink it.
    4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7. Place drain pan under engine.
    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10. Unscrew drain plug.
    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
    12. Clean up.
    13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
    14. Look for oil filter wrench.
    15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
    16. Beer.
    17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
    18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
    19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
    20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
    23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
    27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
    28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
    29. Begin cussing fit.
    30. Throw wrench.
    31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 2001.
    32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
    33. Beer.
    34. Beer.
    35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
    36. Beer.
    37. Lower car from jack stands.
    38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
    39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
    40. Drive car

Mercedes Benz Driving Test

  1. Before changing lanes you should:
    1. signal.
    2. check.
    3. both a & b.
    4. just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.
  2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
    1. red.
    2. yellow.
    3. green.
    4. Who cares, it doesn’t apply to me anyway.
  3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
    1. 35 MPH.
    2. 25 MPH.
    3. 45 MPH.
    4. I paid $65,000 for this car, I’ll drive as fast as I want.
  4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
    1. slow to a walking pace.
    2. go around the block.
    3. stop.
    4. speed up and honk your horn.
  5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
    1. maintain your speed.
    2. slow a little.
    3. slow a lot.
    4. speed up and don’t bother honking your horn.
  6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
    1. never.
    2. when there is a left turn arrow.
    3. on Sunday at 2 A.M.
    4. When ever you damn well feel like it.
  7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
    1. must stop.
    2. may pass on the left after checking.
    3. may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
    4. use your car phone to order Chinese food while passing on the left.
  8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
    1. pull to the right and stop.
    2. pull into the nearest car wash.
    3. roll down your windows.
    4. turn up the radio and ignore it.
  9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
    1. never.
    2. when the doors are closed.
    3. if there are no police around.
    4. when you have missed your turn.
  10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should:
    1. relax.
    2. watch the signal.
    3. stop a safe distance back from the car in front.
    4. call anyone – even directory assistance – on your car phone so everyone can see that you have a car phone.
  11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
    1. two blocks before turning.
    2. two car lengths before turning.
    3. two miles before turning.
    4. what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I’ll sue him.
  12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:
    1. only at an intersection.
    2. always.
    3. never.
    4. if I pass a sale at the jewelers.
  13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
    1. never.
    2. on Sunday.
    3. if there is a fire hydrant.
    4. when I’ll only be there for five minutes.
  14. What is your annual gross income:
    1. $10,000-20,000.
    2. $20,000-40,000.
    3. $40,000-80,000.
    4. $80,000 and up.


If you answered ‘d’ on every question, you have a perfect score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for your retest.

If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we’re sorry, you just don’t have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should consider a BMW.

Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles.

Friends Dont Let Friends Drive Yugos

Yu*go (yoo-go)
n.     1) Small, economical, Yugoslavian-built automobile.
        2) 4×4 hood ornament.
adj. 1) What doesn’t happen when you press the accelerator.

Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.)
A. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat.
A. This joke has been censored because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no stated monetary or status value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-now group will also be upset because this joke encourages automobile use.

What do Yugos have in common with Ferraris?
– A Ferrari can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.
– A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds.

Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give it a fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff’s edge…

Q. How do you fix a broken Yugo?
A. 1) Lift off the radiator cap.
2) Push off cliff.
3) and drive brand new one underneath radiator cap. (30-mile/3-day warranty included!)

A man entered an auto parts store…
Man: “I need a windshield wiper blade for a Yugo.”
Clerk: “Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade.”

I once bought a Yugo with a tow package. …with the tow in the front.

Q. Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster?
A. To keep your hands warm as you push it.

“The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night… The men are being held as suspects in the city’s first push-by shooting.”

Q. What comes with every Yugo User’s Manual?
A. The bus schedule.

From the Yugo owner’s manual: “If you sense an impending accident with
any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly:

  1. place head between legs,
  2. lock hands behind head,
  3. Repeat: “Our Father, who art in heaven…”

Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.*

Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo. What’s left? About $1200 of “dealer prep.”

Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill?
A. A miracle!

Q. What’s the most wasteful way to spend money?
A. Buy a car alarm for a Yugo.

Cool Things About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light

  • Sleep ’til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
  • Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
  • Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
  • Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
  • Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.
  • No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.
  • Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.
  • LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.
  • You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving home from work.
  • You’ll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal stripes.
  • That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
  • Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.
  • Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD’s in Quantum Physics.
  • Bugs never see you comin’.
  • Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan “It’s there before you order or it’s free!”
  • License plate: “Me=mc2”
  • Cigarette butts don’t land in the backseat — they land in last week
  • Chicks dig it.

Excuses for Driving Accidents

What follows are REAL excuses from drivers when asked to sum up their accident in the fewest words possible:

  • The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran him over.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • I collided with a stationary truck which was coming the other way.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

How To Tell Where a Driver is From

  • One hand on wheel, one hand on horn
    • Chicago
  • One hand on wheel, one finger out window
    • New York
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator
    • Boston
  • One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator
    • California.
  • With gun in lap
    • Los Angeles
  • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
    • Ohio, but driving in California
  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
    • Italy
  • One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game
    • Seattle
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window
    • Texas city male
  • One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road
    • Texas country male
  • One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment
    • Texas female.
  • Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car
    • Colorado.
  • One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for unmarked State Patrol cars and landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter
    • Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
  • Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna
    • West Virginia male.
  • Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel
    • Las Vegas.
  • Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on
    • Florida “seasoned citizen” driver, also known as “no-see-um.”
  • Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn
    • New Mexico resident