A Loose Guide on Exercising

  • It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.
  • I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Have not lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.
  • I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
  • I figure if God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
  • I have flabby thighs, fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  • If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Hints for Choosing a Husband

When choosing a mate, compare these other professionals to Engineers

    Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession.
    Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
    See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Jerry Springer show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
  • HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, IE. Police Officer, Firefighter, Construction Worker, Etc
    Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?”, he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her.
    The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.
    See Teacher and substitute the word “girls” with “boys”.

How To Survive With Women

Treat Them Like Your Car!

  • Give it a regular, thorough going over.
  • Touch up the exterior.
  • Rub it down nicely.
  • Make sure it’s waxed regularly.
  • Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting?
  • Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.
  • Change the lubrication.
  • Check the rubber is not wearing thin.
  • Keep an eye out for bald patches.
  • Lift up the front and have a long hard look.
  • Check the rear end is clean and tidy.
  • Check for spare tire and any handles.
  • Keep an eye on fuel consumption.
  • Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days.
  • Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.
  • Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable?
  • Ensure that it responds well to you when you’re in the driving seat.
  • Make sure it’s always clean inside.

Idiot’s Guide to Windows Operating Systems

  • Multitasking
    You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting!
  • Built-in Networking
    You can crash several PC’s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.
  • Microsoft Network
    Connect with other Windows users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized.
  • PnP
    Plug and Pray (that it works)
  • Multimedia
    Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing. Compatible with existing software It will also crash your existing software.
  • Increased Productivity
    You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products* like RAM and Hard Drives. Better yet, get a new computer! That’s productivity.
  • User-Friendly
    Picture of clouds
  • State of the Art
    Pay for Bill’s next bid for a work of art.
  • Macintosh-like
    It took Microsoft eleven years and it’s not even original.
  • Online Registration
    Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your hard drive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft’s files for the rest of your life.
  • MS Plus
    More money for Bill’s plus side.
  • Optimize
    It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and CPU so much so that you’ll end up upgrading your system.

Owner’s Guide for Cats

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

  • Cleanliness
    For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.
  • Communication
    Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
  • Feeding
    Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.
  • Mating
    Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.
  • Toilet Training
    A human’s natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the “laziness reflex,” this can be easily corrected through what is called “shoe therapy.” Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
  • Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

Places for Catnaps, Rated

From The Cat Diary
Weekly excerpts from my cat’s diary.
Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved

Now I have heard it all. The United Nations is known for its marathon talkfests that can put even the most veteran diplomats to sleep. It is almost a form of anesthesia. Now a former French ambassador has performed a service to his colleagues by writing a guide to catnapping, listing various lounges and sitting areas around the U.N. building and rating them for their catnapping comfort.

If I had the inclination, or the means, I might charge him with stealing my idea. It obviously came from my beastly bestseller, The Cats Places Rated Almanac for Cat Naps. Five stars is best.

  • On the front doorstep. **
    Too dangerous. The Big Owner, not paying attention, can step on your tail – or worse.
  • On the stairs. ****
    Outstanding support for the length of a stretched-out feline. It also provides a ledge from which to hang almost any appendage. For obvious reasons, never do this in the dark.
  • On the bathroom toilet tank. ***
    Only if it is one of the carpeted variety which is, admittedly, a little retro. The style went out with the ’70’s, but some owners never change. If there are vases or boxes of Kleenex on the tank, knock them off. Excellent full body support, head and hind paws hang over. For between-nap exercises, roll some TP off the holder onto the floor. Again.
  • In the bathroom sink. **
    Perfectly formed for a kitty’s body. But can still be wet and disgustingly dirty from the Big Owner’s shaving his face there each morning. Strange things seem to grow there. Best after it has been freshly cleaned with powerful chemicals to cut through the grunge. Also risk of leaky faucet disturbing a beautiful rest.
  • In the clean laundry. ****
    Especially if it is still warm.
  • In the dirty laundry. *
    Never. Unless your cat box is dirty and you need somewhere to ‘go.’
  • On The Big Owner. *****
    … Drooling a puddle onto his chest. Insist he scratch you. Purr loudly so that he does not fall asleep on the job.

This is part of a great collection of great cat stories, told from the cat’s perspective. For more information please visit the website!

Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved

A Cat’s Guide To Human Beings

  1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

    • So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.

      What’s so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:


      Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors,
      getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

  2. How And When to Get Your Human’s Attention
    • Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.

      Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your
      advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

      Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:

      • Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it’s something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
      • Waking your human at odd hours: A cat’s “golden time” is between 3:30
        and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
  3. Punishing Your Human Being
    • Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
      • Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
      • Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
      • Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
      • After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
      • While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
  4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
    • The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they’ve been presented.
    • After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human’s face, you’ll know it’s worth it.
  5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
    • You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.