Can You Help Me?

Actual dialog of a WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
….”Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
…….”Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
…….”Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re not ready to own a computer.”

Installation Disk Blues

Customer: “I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won’t work.”

Tech Support: “Your A drive won’t work?”

Customer: “That’s what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won’t work at all.”

Tech Support: “Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?”

Customer: “I didn’t get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn’t come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn’t work either.”

Tech Support: “You did what sir?”

Customer: “I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn’t budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit.”

Tech Support: “I don’t understand sir, did you push the eject button?”

Customer: “No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. I can’t believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective.”

Tech Support: “Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?”

At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.

Tech Support: “Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?”

Customer: “I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out.”

Tech Support: “Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?”

Silence

Tech Support: “Sir?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Tech Support: “Sir, did you push the eject button?”

Customer: “No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?”

Tech Support: “Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn’t follow the instructions we sent you, didn’t actually seek professional advice, didn’t consult your user’s manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?”

Customer: “Ummmm.”

Tech Support: “Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?”

Customer: (now rather humbled) “But you’re supposed to help!”

Tech Support: “I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day.”

Idiot’s Guide to Windows Operating Systems

  • Multitasking
    You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting!
  • Built-in Networking
    You can crash several PC’s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.
  • Microsoft Network
    Connect with other Windows users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized.
  • PnP
    Plug and Pray (that it works)
  • Multimedia
    Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing. Compatible with existing software It will also crash your existing software.
  • Increased Productivity
    You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products* like RAM and Hard Drives. Better yet, get a new computer! That’s productivity.
  • User-Friendly
    Picture of clouds
  • State of the Art
    Pay for Bill’s next bid for a work of art.
  • Macintosh-like
    It took Microsoft eleven years and it’s not even original.
  • Online Registration
    Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your hard drive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft’s files for the rest of your life.
  • MS Plus
    More money for Bill’s plus side.
  • Optimize
    It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and CPU so much so that you’ll end up upgrading your system.

Which Drive is my Sex Drive?

I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.

So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat. Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with her. Figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn’t help me and walked away……huh, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked it they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. He started laughing at me – said something about me trying to kill him. You’re killing me! something like that, and walked away. Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to keep in stock. I wasn’t trying to kill him. I wasn’t even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I’d just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I’d never been on a turnip truck, but I’d fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about that explaining it. She’s fallen off the wagon, that explains it…. like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under his breath and walked away. Wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores….maybe have to order from a catalog or something.

So that’s where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it, then all I’d have to do is figure out what to do with it.

Computer Error

Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

And he replied, “It was an ID Ten T Error.”

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy’s face. “An ID Ten T Error? What’s that … in case I need to fix it again?”

He gave her a grin… “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?”

“No,” replied Judy.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

(She wrote…) I D 1 0 T

Resourceful Computer Users

Computers will never be completely “Idiot Proof” because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.

The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street journal article:

  • Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
  • AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
  • Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old (5.1/4″) diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labelled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
  • Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
  • A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. Th customer asked the tech “hold on”, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
  • Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
  • Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water soaked the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
  • A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.
  • A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer”. The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer – but his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
  • An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened”. The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
  • Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”
  • True story from a Novell Netwire SysOp:

    Caller : “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
    Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
    Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
    Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
    Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
    Tech : “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
    Caller : “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotion. It just has “4X” on it.”

    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off in the drive.

  • Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk – I couldn’t even fit it in …” The user hadn’t realised that “Insert Disk 2” meant to remove Disk 1 first.
  • In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert it into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems. Say no more…