Program Conflicts with Girlfriend 1.0

Dear Sir,

I’ve been having some conflicts between programs lately. I’ve been running the original version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 as my primary application and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right – as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.

Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I’ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally
object-oriented.

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancé 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 also came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he’d heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then, Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Explanations by Programmers for Failures

  • Strange…
  • I’ve never heard about that.
  • It did work yesterday.
  • Well, the program needs some fixing.
  • How is this possible?
  • The machine seems to be broken.
  • Has the operating system been updated?
  • The user has made an error again.
  • There is something wrong in your test data.
  • I have not touched that module!
  • Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
  • You must have the wrong executable.
  • Oh, it’s just a feature.
  • I’m almost ready.
  • Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
  • It will be done in no time at all.
  • It’s just some unlucky coincidence.
  • I can’t test everything!
  • THIS can’t do THAT.
  • Didn’t I fix it already?
  • It’s already there, but it has not been tested.
  • It works, but it’s not been tested.
  • Somebody must have changed my code.
  • There must be a virus in the application software.
  • Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

What Your Computer is Trying to Tell You

  • It says: “Press Any Key”
    It means: “Press any key you like but I’m not moving.”
  • It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E”
    It means: “… where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware problem.”
  • It says: “Installing program to C:….”
    It means: “… And I’ll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you’ll NEVER find them.”
  • It says: “Please insert disk 11”
    It means: “Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.”
  • It says: “Not enough memory”
    It means: “I don’t CARE if you’ve got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.”
  • It says: “Cannot read from drive D:….”
    It means: “… However, if you put the CD in right side up…”
  • It says: “Please Wait….”
    It means: “… Indefinitely.”
  • It says: “Directory does not exist….”
    It means: “…. any more. Whoops.”
  • It says: “The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.”
    It means: “….Makes no difference to me, you’re still not getting your work back.”

Computer Error

Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

And he replied, “It was an ID Ten T Error.”

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy’s face. “An ID Ten T Error? What’s that … in case I need to fix it again?”

He gave her a grin… “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?”

“No,” replied Judy.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

(She wrote…) I D 1 0 T