Tag Archives: cat

Cat’s Computer Dictionary

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Copyright 2001 Mark Mason
All Rights Reserved
http://www.catdiary.com

  • Browser
    What I like to be at 3:00 am when I rearrange all your books on your desk. Where’s a kitty supposed to lay down with all that mess?

  • Wallpaper
    My favorite stuff, mostly in the kitchen and bathroom, I use to exercise my claws on.

  • Defrag
    Coughing up hairballs. Hey, it’s just a little maintenance!

  • Hyperlink
    Fake hot dog filled with my favorite pick-me-up: cat-nip.

  • Server
    My human subject. You can’t call them waitress, or waiter, or slave anymore; it’s not politically correct.

  • Shut Down
    Nap time – my favorite 16 hours of the day.

  • Laptop
    Little ol’ me. Certainly cuter, more useful, valuable, and entertaining. and no batteries are required.

  • Default
    Blame. If something gets broken around the house, don’t look at me! It’s probably that human I have to share my house with, or the dog’s fault!

  • Window
    The best place to watch birds, squirrels, and that weird dog next door eat out of the trash can and chase cars.

  • Home Page
    My papers – newspapers, that is, that I used before graduating to the real kitty litter box. I think they were the “Wanted: DOG” ads.

This is part of a great collection of great cat stories, told from the cat’s perspective. For more information please visit the website!

Cat to English Dictionary

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  • Miaow
    Feed me.

  • meeow
    Pet me.

  • mrooww
    I love you.

  • miioo-oo-oo
    I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don’t wait up.

  • mrow
    I feel like making noise.

  • rrrow-mawww
    Please, the time has come to clean the cat box.

  • rrrow-miawww
    I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as possible.

  • miaowmiaow
    Play with me.

  • miaowmioaw
    Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

  • mioawmioaw
    Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.

  • raowwwww
    I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.

  • mrowwwww
    (only heard in males) I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.

  • roww-maww-roww
    I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.

  • mmeww
    I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.

  • gakk-ak-ak
    My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.

  • mow
    Snuggling is a good idea.

  • moww
    Shedding is pretty good, too.

  • mowww!
    I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

  • miaow! miaow!
    I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge one’s body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.

  • mraakk!
    Oh, small bird! Please come over here.

  • ssssroww!
    I believe that I have found a squirrel. I shall now act terribly brave.

  • mmmmmmm
    If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I might be satisfied.

Training Your Human

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Training your human is a thankless task.
“Why bother with it?”, some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.

Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they’ve no fangs or claws, for what that’s worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We’re poised to usurp man’s authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.

Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy’s target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.

Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.

Shed on mom’s new velvet black evening gown,
as she’s headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can’t be all that bright),
They’re telling you by leaving, it’s perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate ’til dawn’s early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they’ll return…

When they try to punish, you mustn’t show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
but they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.

Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
then when they’ve had all the pain they can stand,
dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
and celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle’s begun,
as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.

Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It’s destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how).
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.

How to Prepare for a New Cat

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  • Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.
  • Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.
  • Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
  • Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.
  • Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won’t be the whole breast.
  • Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.
  • Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that’s where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).
  • Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting “No! No! Don’t chew on the electric cord!” Miss the end of the program.
  • Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don’t try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
  • Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. It’s going to get scratched anyway.
  • Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.
  • Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.
  • Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.
  • Take a fork and shred the roll of toliet paper while it’s still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.
  • Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.
  • Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.
  • Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.
  • Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.

Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners

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  • My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
  • My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
  • My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
  • My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
  • My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
  • My cat is not a “shedding machine”, she is a hair relocation stylist.
  • My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile”, she enjoys the proximity of food.
  • My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
  • My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
  • My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
  • My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
  • My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
  • My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
  • My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

The British Way to Give a Cat a Pill

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  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down remove ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

A Cat’s Diary

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  • DAY 752
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is
    the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

  • DAY 761
    Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

  • DAY 762
    Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

  • DAY 765
    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
    condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

  • DAY 768
    I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

  • DAY 771
    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage…

  • DAY 774
    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safeties assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Meals on Wheels

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One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.” The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more,” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”

Listen to Mother!

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A mother cat was teaching her kitten cat lore. She explained that this was the duty of all mother cats since before recorded history and it was important that her kitten would not do anything to embarrass her when she allowed her master to play with her.

At the end of the lesson, after she had gone over all the cat rules such as ignoring anything the human might say, she asked her kitten if there was question she might want to ask.

The kitten said, “Momma, you have given me all the situations a cat might get into and the proper cat-responses but, what should I do if a new situation comes up that you haven’t covered?”

Momma cat responded, “Oh my gosh! I’m SO glad you asked that. I’ve gotten into so many rules that I forgot the most important first rule!”

Kitten asked: “What is that, Momma?”

Momma drew up and looked kitten right in the eye and said: “When in doubt — wash!”

A Kitten’s Prayer

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Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human cannot hardly move!

I’ve trapped her legs, she’s tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and “I want food!”

I sneak up slowly to begin
my nibbles on my human’s chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth – And my claws I will unsheath

For the morning’s here and it’s time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.

The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night!