The Politically Correct Rudolph

Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer …
Translation: Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate,

Original: Had a very shiny nose …
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon lustre.

Original: And if you ever saw him …
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever came into your view,

Original: You would even say it glows …
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities.

Original: All of the other reindeer …
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community,

Original: Used to laugh and call him names …
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms — the objective of which was to lower his self-esteem and make him miserable.

Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games …
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities consistent with their species.

Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve …
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified year…

Original: Santa came to say …
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children) arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.

Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright …
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary nasal characteristic.

Original: Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express purpose that he navigate through the nocturnal mist.

Original: Then all the reindeer loved him …
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship.

Original: And they shouted out with glee …
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor,

Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer …
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage,

Original: You’ll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time, and your memory will be preserved for posterity!

The Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

  • TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
  • ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their
    union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
  • TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
  • NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
  • EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
  • SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
  • SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
  • FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
  • FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
  • THREE deconstructionist poets
  • TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and…
  • ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

A Politically-Correct Birthday Greeting!

At last–Today’s your Special(1) Day!
The World(2) all stops to shout hooray(3)!
We(4) wish you peace and joy and fun
Today you’re the exalted(5) one.


  1. Except where this day is a holiday celebrated by other cultures, or others whose birthday should fall on this day, respecting the effect of the International Dateline.
  2. Or, more properly, the portion of the world immediately surrounding you, which may differ significantly in any way from other cities, towns, or countries, all of which are valid and important in their own right.
  3. Except persons speaking other languages, who may shout whatever version of “hooray” their specific culture supports.
  4. “We” being any who consent to such a wish, not including persons of differing viewpoints who may dissent.
  5. Not to imply others may be any less exalted, either today, or on their own birthdays, or any day of their choosing.

Merry Whatever

‘Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.

Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas – no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people’s feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a “Holiday “.
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe’s the word Christmas – was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny’s and Sears
You won’t hear the word Christmas; it won’t touch your ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate “Winter Break” under your “Dream Tree”
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday !

How to be Politic’lly Correct

Don’t call that schlub a “fatty,” for it’s simply not allowed;
He’s now “physic’lly expansive” or “nutritionally endowed;”

That clod repeating seventh grade? He’s not a knucklehead;
“Scholastic’lly persistent” is the phrase to use instead;

Don’t talk of “dwarfs” or “midgets” both are terms you should revise;
Today, they’re known as “persons of a non-excessive size;”

You’ll find you’re not offending any group or race or sect
As long as what you’re saying is Politic’lly Correct.

Our nation has no “Indians” in case you haven’t heard,
“Indigenous Americans” is now the term preferred;

Don’t call that drifter “homeless” that’s the no-no of the year;
He’s a “worker in transition” or “an urban pioneer.”

Don’t call that guy in women’s clothes a weirdo or a freak;
He’s “a fashion nonconformist with a lifestyle that’s unique.”

No lack of sensivity will anyone detect
As long as ev’ry comment is Politic’lly Correct.

To psychopathic killers, nicer labels we’re now giving;
They’re “gentlemen who specialize in terminating living;”

Don’t call that creep a “rapist”, he might think you were unkind;
He’s “a sexual crusader” who’s “assertively inclined;”

As for all those scuzzy pushers hooking kids throughout the land,
They’re now “inner city merchants with a product in demand;”

So make certain that you’re careful with the words that you select;
And we guarantee you’ll always be Politic’lly Correct.

A Generic Ethnic Joke

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

Political Correctness For Kids

  • Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive”.
  • Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps”.
  • You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome”.
  • No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced”.
  • You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective”.
  • You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal”.
  • It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information”.
  • The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged”.
  • Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience”
  • You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness”
  • You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear”.
  • You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations”.
  • You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building”.

Politically Correct Sayings

  • Drunk = Spacially Perplexed
  • Insane People = Comprehensibility Selective
  • Insane People = Selectively Perceptive
  • Bisexual = Sexually Non-preferential
  • Bald = Folically Challenged
  • Bald = Comb-Free
  • Girl = Pre-Woman
  • Short = Vertically Challenged
  • Airhead = Reality Impaired
  • Sarah Brightman = Alternatively Talented
  • Dead = Metabolically Challenged
  • Poor = Economically Deficient
  • Poor = Economically Unprepared
  • Slum = Economic Oppression Zone
  • Hunter = Animal Assassin
  • Old People = Gerentologically Advanced
  • Homeless = Optionally Residential
  • Hooker = Sexual-Care Provider
  • Hooker = Sex Surrogate
  • Housewife = Domestic Technician
  • Handicapped = Differently Abled
  • Deaf = Visually Oriented
  • Blind = Photonically Non-receptive
  • Drug Addict = Chemically Challenged
  • Ugly = Attractively Impaired
  • Obnoxious = Charismatically Impeded

How To Be Politically Correct When Talking About Men

He does not have a beer gut…
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet…
He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid…
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time…
He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding…
He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber…
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk…
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass…
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short…
He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy…
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars…
He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body…
He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated…
He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig…
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer…
He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine…
He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets…
He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig…
He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes…
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment…
He is Monogamously Challenged.

Politically Correct School

  • No one fails a class anymore, they are merely “passing impaired”.
  • You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the “exit delayed”.
  • Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive”.
  • These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined”.
  • Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive”.
  • Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps”.
  • Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience”.
  • You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness”.
  • You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time”.
  • You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome”.
  • You don’t have smelly gym socks, you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear”.
  • No one’s tall anymore. They are “vertically enhanced”.
  • You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective”
  • You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal”.
  • You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations”.
  • You’re not being sent to the principals office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building”.
  • It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information”.
  • The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged”.