A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady, who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
Well, the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection from her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and it read,
Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office.”
The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism,
I shall not be deprived of gratification
for my viscerogenic hungers or my need dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself
toward a non-social object with affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses,
I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts
despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced
as a direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.
My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life
And I shall be “pleasingly plump” forever.
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy hops.
Thou will be drunk,
And I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The Ale, The Bitter and The Lager.
Forever and ever,
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who’s very cheap.
One who’s sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she’s mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn’t speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
’cause one like that would come in pretty handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I’m done, she wants no more.
Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that’s a LOT from behind!
One who’ll screw till my body’s a twitchin’
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she’ll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can’t wait,
so I’ll screw all the rest ’cause it’s never too late.
God, grant me the serenity to accept a post I cannot change,
Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on when I’m running late for work,
And the wisdom to know the difference between “come to bed now” meaning “let’s have some fun” and “come to bed NOW” meaning “that computer has got to go”!
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human cannot hardly move!
I’ve trapped her legs, she’s tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and “I want food!”
I sneak up slowly to begin
my nibbles on my human’s chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth – And my claws I will unsheath
For the morning’s here and it’s time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night!
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I’ll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!
~ Author Unknown