Dear God…

A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:

c/o Heaven

Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady, who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.

Well, the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection from her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady.

A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and it read,

“Dear God,
Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office.”

Astrological Prayers

  • Aries
    Dear God, please give me patience… and could you do it right now?
  • Taurus
    Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.
  • Gemini
    Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?
  • Cancer
    Dear God!!!
  • Leo
  • Virgo
    Dear God, please make us perfect and don’t mess it up like You did the last time.
  • Libra
    Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best?
  • Scorpio
    Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the b*****ds don’t deserve it!
  • Sagittarius
    Dear Lord, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.
  • Capricorn
    Dear God! I’d like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
  • Aquarius
    Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!
  • Pisces
    Dear Lord, as long as I’m going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.

23rd Psalm for Psychiatrists

The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism,
I shall not be deprived of gratification
for my viscerogenic hungers or my need dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself
toward a non-social object with affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses,
I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts
despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced
as a direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.

My Appetite is My Shepherd

My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life
And I shall be “pleasingly plump” forever.

Barman’s Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy hops.
Thou will be drunk,
And I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The Ale, The Bitter and The Lager.
Forever and ever,

Bedtime Prayer for Men

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who’s very cheap.

One who’s sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she’s mostly wrong.

One who sucks and doesn’t speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
’cause one like that would come in pretty handy.

Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I’m done, she wants no more.

Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that’s a LOT from behind!

One who’ll screw till my body’s a twitchin’
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she’ll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and you know I can’t wait,
so I’ll screw all the rest ’cause it’s never too late.


A High Tech Prayer

As I boot up my PC,
my modem dailing next to me,
I ask the Lord, give me a sign….
Will I ever get on-line?

If you’d kindly let me through,
I’ll byte no more than I can chew.
I’ll surf the waves amid the Net,
with my mouse, my loyal pet.

And through each window I will see
the websites that are offered me.
Resisting any chat room’s lure,
I’ll download only what is pure.

If system errors don’t prevail,
I vow to read all my e-mail.
If you save me from a crash,
I’ll dump my games into the trash.

And please don’t take my CD-ROM!
Thank you Lord, God

A Prayer for the Computer Addict

God, grant me the serenity to accept a post I cannot change,

Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on when I’m running late for work,

And the wisdom to know the difference between “come to bed now” meaning “let’s have some fun” and “come to bed NOW” meaning “that computer has got to go”!


A Kitten’s Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human cannot hardly move!

I’ve trapped her legs, she’s tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and “I want food!”

I sneak up slowly to begin
my nibbles on my human’s chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth – And my claws I will unsheath

For the morning’s here and it’s time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.

The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night!

Cat Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I’ll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!

~ Author Unknown