You Know It’s the Network Age When…

  • You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
  • You now think of three espressos as “getting wasted.”
  • You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
  • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  • You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”
  • Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
  • You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
  • You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
  • Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
  • You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.
  • You check your blow-dryer to see if it’s Y2K compliant.
  • Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  • Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
  • You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
  • The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
  • Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
  • Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
  • You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
  • Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
  • Your idea of being organized is multi-colored Post-it notes.
  • You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
  • You’re reading this.
  • Even worse; you’re going to forward it to someone else.

High Tech Mother Goose

Mother McGee went to drive C:
  to find her poor Windows a byte
But, when she enquired, all drive space expired
  And not even Stacker would put it right.

Little Miss Muffet opened her notebook
  and called on WordPerfect to write
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
  and explained how the function keys worked.

Jack and Jill are married still
  but things look kinda scary
He loves a PC; she’s fond of a Mac
  and RISC makes both of them wary.

Mary had a little Lan
  Then, she wanted more
First she bought a lot of RAM
  Then part interest in a computer store.

You Know You’re a High Tech Worker If…

  • You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
  • Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
  • Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
  • Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
  • When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
  • You learn about your layoff on CNN.
  • Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
  • Your supervisor hasn’t the ability to do your job assignment.
  • You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
  • Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the
    Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.
  • Your home phone has none of the features you developed cuz you’re never there.
  • It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
  • Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
  • Communication is something your group is having problems with.
  • You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
  • A tie is hanging in your cube.
  • Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
  • Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
  • Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
  • You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
  • All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
  • Everyone fights fires (i.e. problems).
  • Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
  • Plants in your cube are healthier than your plants at home.
  • Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes,” “in your spare time,” “when you’re freed up,” and “I have an opportunity for you.”
  • 10% of the people you work with — no one (boss included) knows what they do.
  • Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.
  • Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers” or “does something with telephones.”
  • Change is the norm.
  • Nepotism is encouraged.
  • You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
  • You read this entire list and understood it.

A High Tech Prayer

As I boot up my PC,
my modem dailing next to me,
I ask the Lord, give me a sign….
Will I ever get on-line?

If you’d kindly let me through,
I’ll byte no more than I can chew.
I’ll surf the waves amid the Net,
with my mouse, my loyal pet.

And through each window I will see
the websites that are offered me.
Resisting any chat room’s lure,
I’ll download only what is pure.

If system errors don’t prevail,
I vow to read all my e-mail.
If you save me from a crash,
I’ll dump my games into the trash.

And please don’t take my CD-ROM!
Thank you Lord, God

High Tech Outlaws

  • Son of SIMM: His random acts of murder (RAM) are some of the most shocking in recent memory. Hates his motherboard.
  • Billy the CAD: Fastest drawing program in the West.
  • Pretty eBay Floyd: Modern-day Robin Hood auctions faux antiques to the rich and donates the spoils to failing dot-coms.
  • Bugsy C++-gul: A good coder gone bad.
  • Ted Bondi Blue: Set out to write a virus to attack Power Macs and iMacs but switched to PCs when he discovered VBScript.
  • James URL Ray: Assassinated the leader of the 32-bit color coalition.
  • Hack the Ripper: Brutally rips MP3s and burns them to CDs. Displays total disregard for copyright laws.
  • SCSI Borden: Gave her mother 40 Macs.
  • John Dellinger: Escaped from prison brandishing a Latitude carved from soap.
  • John WAN Gacy: Your child’s worst nightmare: A network administrator, a basement, and a clown suit.
  • Baby FaceBook Nelson: Worst criminal of them all. Well known for stealing time and identities. Wields a lethal Poke.