What Men Are Like

  • Men are like…..Coffee.
    The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
  • Men are like…..Chocolate Bars.
    Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
  • Men are like…..Blenders.
    You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
  • Men are like…..Coolers.
    Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
  • Men are like…..Copiers.
    You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
  • Men are like…..Curling irons.
    They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.
  • Men are like…..Government bonds.
    They take so long to mature.
  • Men are like…..High heels.
    They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
  • Men are like…..Horoscopes.
    They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
  • Men are like…..Lava lamps.
    Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
  • Men are like…..Laxatives.
    They irritate the shit out of you.
  • Men are like…..Mascara.
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
  • Men are like…..Mini skirts.
    If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up on your butt.
  • Men are like…..Noodles.
    They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
  • Men are like…..Parking spots.
    The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
  • Men are like…..Plungers.
    They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
  • Men are like…..Popcorn.
    They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
  • Men are like…..Placemats.
    They only show up when there’s food on the table.
  • Men are like…..Snowstorms.
    You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long he will last.
  • Men are like…..Used Cars.
    Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
  • Men are like…..Vacations.
    They never seem to be long enough.
  • Men are like…..Weather
    Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What I Want in a Man

  • What I Want in a Man (age 22)
    Financially successful
    A caring listener
    In good shape
    Dresses with style
    Appreciates finer things
    Full of thoughtful surprises
    An imaginative, romantic lover, every day of the week
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
    Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
    Opens car doors, holds chairs
    Has enough money for a nice dinner
    Listens more than talks
    Laughs at my jokes
    Carries bags of groceries with ease
    Owns at least one tie
    Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
    Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
    Seeks romance at least 4-5 times a week
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
    Not too ugly (bald head OK)
    Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
    Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
    Nods head when I’m talking
    Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
    Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
    Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
    Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
    Remembers to put the toilet seat down
    Shaves most weekends
    Interested in romance 2-3 times a week
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
    Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
    Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
    Doesn’t borrow money too often
    Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
    Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
    Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
    Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
    Appreciates a good TV dinner
    Remembers your name on occasion
    Shaves some weekends
    Hope for a kiss each day
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
    Doesn’t scare small children
    Remembers where bathroom is
    Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
    Only snores lightly when asleep
    Remembers why he’s laughing
    Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
    Usually wears some clothes
    Likes soft foods
    Remembers where he left his teeth
    Remembers that it’s the weekend
    Remembers what romance was like
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
    Doesn’t miss the toilet

Ways to Drive the Man in Your Life Crazy

  • Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
  • Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
  • Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
  • Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he’s gained a few pounds.
  • Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.
  • “Accidentally” fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
  • Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
  • Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
  • Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who “needs it more than he does.”
  • Insist upon a lot of “meaningful conversations.”
  • If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
  • Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
  • Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his “sinking” on film.
  • Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
  • Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don’t know about to his younger brother, who he hates.
  • Put a gummy worm in his workboots. If he finds the sticky mess at the end of the day, blame it on the cat.
  • Slip outside while he is engrossed in his sports and let the air out of one tire. Repeat, never deflating the same tire twice in a row. Try hard not to snicker when he takes the car in for new tires.
  • If you really feel adventurous, put a small rock in his hubcap. Stand back and watch the fun. This one is even better if you have kids in the neighborhood to take the blame.
  • Along the same lines, remove his gas cap.

Rita Rudner’s 50 Facts About Men

  • Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
  • Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced
    pain and bought jewelry.
  • If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.
  • Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald.”
  • Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
  • Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
  • If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.
  • Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
  • Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
  • All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
  • The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
  • Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
  • Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
  • All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
  • A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
  • Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
  • All men hate to hear “We need to talk about our relationship.” These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
  • Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
  • Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
  • All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
  • Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
  • Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing
    and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
  • Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
  • Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
  • Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
  • If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
  • If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he

    a) got older,
    b) got a new job, or
    c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.

  • The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
  • Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
  • No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
  • When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
  • Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
  • Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
  • Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
  • If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget… he didn’t lose your number…he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
  • Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
  • Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
  • Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you…I want to marry you…I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
  • Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch: “Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”
  • Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
  • Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
  • Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
  • Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
  • Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
  • When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries on clothing from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
  • Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause
    you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
  • Men forget everything; women remember everything.
  • That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
  • Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
  • All men would still really like to own a train set.

On Men

  • Why are men such jerks?
    It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.
  • Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
    Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.
  • Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
    We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
  • Why do men always say such stupid things?
    We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
  • Why are men so uncommunicative?
    You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
  • Why can’t men just share their feelings?
    Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
  • Why can’t men cuddle more?
    Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day?…. Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
  • How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
    Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc.
  • Why can’t men just say, “I love you”?
    Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.
  • Why won’t men ever pick up after themselves?
    Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.
  • What’s with all the belching and farting?
    This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

Why Oreos are Better than Men

  • They don’t scream if you twist them too hard.
  • They don’t get drunk and throw up in your bed.
  • They are always good.
  • They go away when you want them too.
  • Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
  • Don’t have to worry about the last person who ate one.
  • It’s always fun to swallow.
  • They never talk.
  • When it makes a mess in your bed, it’s easy to clean.
  • The creamy white stuff tastes good.

How Men And Dogs Are Alike

  • Both take up too much space on the bed.
  • Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners.
  • Both are threatened by their own kind.
  • Both mark their territory.
  • Both are suspicious of the postman.
  • Both are bad at asking you questions.
  • Both pass gas shamelessly.
  • Both like dominance games.
  • Both tend to smell riper with age.
  • Neither of them tells you what’s bothering them.
  • Neither of them does dishes.
  • Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
  • Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
  • Neither understands what you see in cats.
  • The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Buying Gifts for Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

  • Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
  • Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
  • Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
  • Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
  • Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
  • Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
  • Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. Real men do not stink – they are earthy.
  • Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.
  • Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
  • Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear’s Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)
  • Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
  • Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
  • Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
  • Rule #14: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
  • Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

A Man’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom

  1. Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
  2. Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room.
  3. Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a ‘safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
  4. If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
  5. Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
  6. Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
  7. Wash hands.
  8. Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
  9. ** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states and in most countries. How do you know if it is recommended? If there is a sink and soap in the bathroom, you know you are in an area that recommends handwashing.

  10. Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn’t forget anything.
  11. Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
  12. Wait patiently for her return, and remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long?”