Signs You’ve Been in Manchester Too Long

  • You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says ‘mad fer it’. “Nobody says that EVER!” you scream.
  • You say ‘mad fer it’ when back in Manchester.
  • You think fisherman’s hats are attractive.
  • You support Man City out of principle.
  • You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
  • You think Londoners are ‘soft southern wankers’… until they kick your head in at a footie match.
  • You get a freckle and consider yourself ‘suntanned’.
  • You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
  • You won’t pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
  • People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is.
  • Zzzzzzz.

English Education at its Finest

Following questions and answers were collated from recent British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!

  • Earth Science

    • Q: Name the four seasons.
      A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
    • Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
      A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
    • Q: How is dew formed?
      A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
    • Q: What is a planet?
      A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
  • Sociology

    • Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
      A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
    • Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
      A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
  • Biology

    • Q: What happens to your body as you age?
      A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
    • Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
      A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
    • Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
      A: Premature death.
    • Q: What is artificial insemination?
      A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
    • Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
      A: Keep it in the cow.
    • Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
      A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
    • Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section.
      A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
    • Q: What is a terminal illness?
      A: When you are sick at the airport
  • Technology

    • Q: What is a turbine?
      A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
  • Religious Education

    • Q: What is a Hindu?
      A: It lays eggs.

The British Way to Give a Cat a Pill

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down remove ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned by Watching Dr. Who

  • Don’t be afraid to dress conspicuously
  • “There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes”
  • Be polite to strangers – offer them a jelly baby
  • Face bureaucracy with sarcasm
  • Bad guys always wear black
  • Almost any problem can be solved by reversing the polarity of the neutron flow
  • Never trust anyone with a sinister beard and a high collar
  • When in doubt, bang the console
  • Nearly anyone will fall for the really big lie at some point
  • If it glows, avoid it
  • The gravel quarries are not what they seem
  • Bad guys will not see you if you stand really close to the wall, even if they walk right past you
  • All the aliens speak with British accents
  • All alien planets have corridors somewhere
  • There’s nothing the sonic screwdriver can’t handle (apart from a voice activated lock)
  • Every alien planet has open cast mining
  • “When I say run, RUN!”
  • “Everyone remotely interesting is mad in one way or another”
  • “Somewhere else the Tea’s getting cold”
  • The worst won’t happen if you do something immensely clever
  • “Humans have an amazing capacity for self-deception”
  • If you’re so clever, follow me up the stairs
  • Your best weapons are your mind, your scarf, and your brolly (British slang for umbrella)
  • Blowing up earth will not solve your own impotence
  • You never know what you’re going to get
  • “I am the master, you will obey me”
  • Life is hard, then you regenerate
  • However bad it may be, it’ll all blow up in the last scene
  • Companions may come and go, but your K9 is forever
  • “I’m HAPPY!”
  • “First things first – but not necessarily in that order”

All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned from Blake’s 7

Note – Blake’s 7 was a British science fiction series from the late 70’s to early 80’s. It was created by Terry Nation, noted for creating the Daleks for Dr. Who.

  • Trust is only dangerous when you have to rely on it.
  • Reality is a dangerous concept.
  • There is no logical reason why aliens should be hairy.
  • I am not stupid, I’m not expendable, and I’m not going.
  • No good deed goes unpunished.
  • It is frequently easier to be honest when you have nothing to lose.
  • Civilization has always depended on courtesy rather than truth.
  • On Earth it is considered ill-mannered to kill your friends while committing suicide.
  • The art of leadership is delegation.
  • All that patience gets you is older.
  • Show me someone who believes in something, and I will show you a fool.
  • Regret is part of being alive — but keep it a small part.
  • He who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.
  • Infallibility depends on your point of view.
  • There are times when even the most cynical must trust in luck.
  • Heroics seldom run to schedule.
  • Dignity, at all costs, dignity.
  • The choice is very simple — either you can fight, or you can die.
  • In the end, winning is the only safety.
  • Power usually makes its own rules.
  • Some days are better than others, Section Leader.
  • It is not necessary to become irrational in order to prove that one cares; indeed, it is not necessary to prove it at all.
  • While there’s life, there’s threat.
  • Luck has nothing to do with it.
  • Strategic withdrawl is running away, but with dignity.
  • Idealism is a wonderful thing; all you really need is someone rational to put it to proper use.
  • Nobody is indispensible.
  • Everyone’s entitled to one really bad mistake.
  • In the end, your word is all there is, really.
  • There are other rules, but you’ll find out what those are when you break them.