Guaranteed Diet

A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

“Guaranteed. Yeah right!” he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there’s a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business!”

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me.”

He’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 pounds as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. “Are you sure?”, asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”

“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he find Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,——–

“If I catch you, I can have you.”

A Loose Guide on Exercising

  • It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.
  • I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Have not lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.
  • I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
  • I figure if God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
  • I have flabby thighs, fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  • If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

To Exercise or Not to Exercise

  • The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
  • I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently the gimmick is you have to show up.
  • I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  • I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
  • The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  • If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.