Tag Archives: husband

Dear Mrs. Fenton

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Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered

banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department

MEMO

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton – Complaints – 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

  1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
  3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3′ in housewares….. and watched what happened.
  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
  6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
  7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
  8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
  9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
  10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
  11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
  12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
  13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”
  14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

    15. (And; last, but not least!)

  15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”

Flu Notes

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(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

  • Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.
  • Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I’m doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
  • Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris’s missing shoes? We’ve checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There’s some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
  • Thursday A.M. Doris: Don’t panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
    1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
    2. How do you turn off the milkman?
    3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
    4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy’s hand?
    5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?

    I don’t know what you’re having for lunch! Surprise me!

  • Friday A.M. Hey: Don’t drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

Henpecked Husbands

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  • He wears the pants in the house – under his apron.
  • He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.
  • She leads a double life – hers and his.
  • He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.
  • She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
  • He always has the last word – he says, “I apologize.”
  • He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house.
  • The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.
  • He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.
  • He was a dude before marriage – now he is subdued.
  • He married her for her looks, but not the kind he’s getting now.
  • She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under.
  • She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast.
  • He goes to a woman dentist – it’s a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.
  • Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bent knees. She dares him to come out from under the bed.

Hints for Choosing a Husband

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When choosing a mate, compare these other professionals to Engineers

  • DOCTORS
    Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession.

  • LAWYER
    Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

  • SALESMAN
    See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Jerry Springer show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

  • HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, IE. Police Officer, Firefighter, Construction Worker, Etc
    Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?”, he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her.

  • TEACHER
    The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.

  • MINISTER
    See Teacher and substitute the word “girls” with “boys”.