Driving Rules

  1. Turn signals will give away your next move. Don’t bother using them or noticing when someone else does. A little respect goes a long way and we wouldn’t want that taking the extreme aggressiveness off of our roads!
  2. Drive three inches behind the car in front of you even if you are in the far right lane… they don’t want to see your headlights anyways so you will be doing them a courtesy. It’s not like this ever causes accidents or anything.
  3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow and should be done often. Also refer back to Rule #1.
  4. Lights: Yellow light means ‘Floor it!’ If the light just turned red it is okay to go through it still. The faster you drive through the red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. If you end up behind some asshole who slows down for a yellow light, get very angry and honk your horn at them while swearing.
  5. Never, ever, come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want to piss the guy off behind you and have your insurance company pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
  6. A lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you in the soon-to-be-closed lane as you responsibly sit in the proper lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels. Don’t attempt to stop your car on the line so these creeps can’t
    pass you; it only makes them honk their horn and give you dirty looks as they drive on the closed part of the road to get around you.
  7. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork (That’s one out of every 20 out here.) They have obviously been in many accidents and probably are under-insured if at all.
  8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. This is to be done especially fast right after changing lanes and cutting someone off.
  9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a great way to scare people entering the highway.
  10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforcable. If it says 55 MPH, you should be doing at least 70. Anyone doing less than that will be tailgated, harrassed, and passed on all sides.
  11. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  12. Need a shortcut when traffic is high? Simply drive down the center ‘suicide lane.’ It’s completely safe and no cop will ever give you a hard time about it. On the freeway? Just take the carpool lane or the space to the left or right of the ‘real’ lanes.
  13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
  14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Most truckers don’t have any idea how to load their trucks so be prepared to dodge pallets, boxes, and even couches! Abrubt swerving is also a fun and safe way to change lanes quickly and instantly! (Once again refer to rule #1)
  15. Always honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.
  16. Always assume a green light is going to turn red just before you get to it; speed up when approaching an intersection.
  17. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
  18. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, yell at their kids, and run you off of the road in their SUV’s, at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
  19. Flipping someone the bird is considered a special salute commemorating the state’s rising. This gesture should always be returned.
  20. Once you get onto the freeway, just get into the far left lane and stay there. When other drivers pull up behind you trying to pass just ignore them and wait. Soon you will see that you have forced them to dart in and out of traffic to get around you which is much safer for everyone than for you to pull to the right when you have a chance.
  21. If someone cuts you off or wrongs you in any way on the road, be sure to teach them a lesson by getting very angry and staying so all day long.

By following these above listed rules, you can do your part to help keep our rapidly increasing population under control.

German Motoring Terms

The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that many cars will now be of German origin. To this end the following list of German motoring phrases:

  • Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken
    Signal Indicators
  • Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen
    Auto Hood (Bonnet)
  • Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
  • Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken
  • Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken
  • Der Twatten mit Elplatz
    Learner driver
  • Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin
    Estate car
  • Der Flippenflappenschitspreader
    Windshield wipers
  • Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen
    Seat belt
  • Das Buch fur Aresewipen
    Highway Code
  • Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden
  • Der Pedalpuschinpilloken
  • Der Fukkengratentrucken
  • Der Bananwaltzen
  • Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen
    Near accident

Wrong Way Herman

As a 100 year old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-280. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “it’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Congress Sanctions “Lethal Force” in Road Rage Cases

The US Congress cleared the way for states to approve motorists’ use of “lethal force” in dealing with idiot drivers.

Irate driver Ray Owens of Columbus, Ohio, heralded the action by Congress. “This is truly a great day in our country. I predict a kindler, gentler, and far more productive country as soon as I blow away that asshole who’s in the right turn only lane with left turn signal on.”

Actions that are now covered by the lethal force sanction include:

  • Stopping for a yellow light.
  • Driving at speeds under the posted speed limit.
  • Blocking traffic in the right turn lane by deciding to “go through the light.” (Notice, this offense punishable by lethal force if there was a middle lane an offender could have gone in.)
  • Simultaneous application of make-up and cell phone usage. (Statisticians expect the female population of the United States to go down drastically upon passage.)
  • Car radios in excess of 80 decibels. If the radio is turned so loud as to cause thumping headaches in other vehicles, Congress has generously waived the constitutional ban on “Cruel and Unusual” punishment. Punishment administering drivers are encouraged to “be creative.”

Congress has delayed legislation to send all teenager drivers to the land-mined roads of Bosnia for a mandatory 18 month training period. Representative Pryce (R-Ohio) said, “The land-mines will insure our teenagers quickly pick up the theory of ‘slow and easy’. Also, loud noises can set off mines, so they’ll learn how to listen to the radio at much lower volumes. We think it’s a win-win for everyone. The United States gets better drivers and Bosnia gets much needed pizza-delivery people.”

Using Turn Signals in Idaho

  • Signal only when you feel like it.
  • If you feel you must use your turn signals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.
  • Signal only after you change lanes.
  • When driving straight, make sure that at least one turn signal is blinking at all times.
  • Signal as you approach a curve in the road.
  • If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.
  • If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.
  • When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.
  • When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.
  • Always apply your brakes way before you signal.
  • When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.
  • Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.
  • If you must use hand signals instead of your turn signals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.

His and Hers Road Trip


  1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
  2. Opens window
  3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
  4. Arrives at destination presently.


  1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
  2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
  3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
  4. Finally rolls down window.
  5. Hocks a loogie.
  6. Pulls up to a 7-11.
  7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
  8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
  9. Gets back into car.
  10. Farts.
  11. After he closes the door.
  12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
  13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
  14. Almost hits a deer.
  15. Curses the night.
  16. Curses you.
  17. Curses the large slurpee.
  18. Stops by the side of the road.
  19. Takes a leak.
  20. Still taking a leak.
  21. Almost done.
  22. I think.
  23. Returns to car.
  24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
  25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
  26. Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
  27. He hates your sister.
  28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
  29. He had to look up pernicious.
  30. Couldn’t find a dictionary.
  31. Finally found a dictionary.
  32. Couldn’t spell pernicious.
  33. Seethes at the memory of it all
  34. But she is laughing inside…
  35. And of course you’re still lost.

Cool Things About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light

  • Sleep ’til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
  • Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
  • Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
  • Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
  • Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.
  • No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.
  • Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.
  • LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.
  • You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving home from work.
  • You’ll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal stripes.
  • That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
  • Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.
  • Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD’s in Quantum Physics.
  • Bugs never see you comin’.
  • Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan “It’s there before you order or it’s free!”
  • License plate: “Me=mc2”
  • Cigarette butts don’t land in the backseat — they land in last week
  • Chicks dig it.

Elderly Drivers

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”

Driving in California

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school:

  • Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
    A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
  • Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
    A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
  • Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
    A: Your car.
  • Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
    A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
  • Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
    A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
  • Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
    A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if s/he is cute.
  • Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
    A: The color.
  • Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
    A: Heavy psychedelics.
  • Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
    A: Carry loaded weapons.

Fun Things to do When Driving

  • Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
  • Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
  • At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
  • Two words: Chicken suit.
  • Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
  • Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
  • Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
  • Stop at the green lights.
  • Go at the red ones.
  • Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
  • Eat food that requires silverware.
  • Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
  • Sing without having the radio on.
  • Honk frequently without motivation.
  • Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
  • Ask people for Grey Poupon.
  • Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
  • Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
  • Restart your car at every stop light.
  • Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
  • Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
  • While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
  • Paint your car with occult symbols.
  • Keep at least five cats in the car.
  • Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
  • Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
  • Stop and collect road kill.
  • Stop and pray to road kill.
  • Throw Spam.
  • Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.