Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other things we do (or don’t do), like eating, they might look like this list:
- I was forced to eat as a child.
- People who eat all the time are hypocrites; they aren’t really hungry.
- There are so many different kinds of food, I can’t decide what to eat.
- I used to eat, but I got bored and stopped.
- I only eat on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
- None of my friends will eat with me.
- I’ll start eating when I get older.
- I don’t really have time to eat.
- I don’t believe that eating does anybody any good. It’s just a crutch.
- Restaurants and grocery stores are only after your money.
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.
The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque Public School System by parents of students:
- Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
- Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
- Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
- Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
- Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
- My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
- Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
- Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
- George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
- Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
- Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
- Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
What follows are REAL excuses from drivers when asked to sum up their accident in the fewest words possible:
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran him over.
- I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
- The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
- I collided with a stationary truck which was coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
This handy form is designed to get you out of the trouble you’ve gotten yourself into.
Whenever there’s a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You’ll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
- Love of my Life,
- Assistant Principal,
- Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
- espresso maker
- left arm
was severely damaged by my
- comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
- woefully under appreciated
How could I have known that the
- jet ski
- large helium balloon
- rodent driven sledge
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
- Cub Scout troop,
- 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,
- priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
You must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
- pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
- hate me,
- sue me,
- spank me,
- take my firstborn,
- gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we’ve had, joshing around at
- the bowling alley
- the municipal jail,
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
- lease co-signer
- only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
- was so stupid.
- was so silly.
- would have been funny if it worked.
- you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
- I’m going to use again on someone else.
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________