# Math Quiz for the Emergency Department Staff

1. You are assisting a primary nurse with charcoal administration down an orogastric tube. The room measures eight feet by twelve feet. The patient starts to retch before the tube is pulled. Knowing that charcoal can spew out of a tube in a five foot radius (even with a thumb over the opening) and the stretcher is two feet wide, how many feet per second do you have to back up to get less charcoal on you than the primary nurse?
2. Doctor A picks up a chart out of the rack. S/he finds that it is a repeat patient with abdominal pain. Doctor A puts the chart back. Doctor B picks up the chart five minutes later and also returns it to the rack. Doctor A leaves the nurses’ station heading south at three miles per hour. Doctor B leaves the nurses station for the doctors’ lounge at five miles per hour. How long before the patient is at equal distance from Doctor A and Doctor B?
3. You were assigned two large treatment rooms and the gynecologic room. By the end of the day you have cared for ten patients. Four patients were female over the age of 80, all complaining of weakness. Two patients were male, ages 72 and 50. The last four were female, between the ages of 24 and 40, all complaining of abdominal pain. It is 3:00 p.m. and time to restock the rooms. How many bedpans will you need?
4. You are the primary nurse for an elderly patient with congestive heart failure. The IV stick was exceptionally difficult, but you are able to start an 18 gauge catheter on the second attempt. You leave the room to check on another patient. A relative thinks that the IV has stopped dripping and opens the clamp. How much IV fluid will infuse before you return?
5. You are sent for your morning coffee break. You need to use the restroom but can’t find one unoccupied and have to walk down to the lobby. The coffee pot is dry and you have to make more. When you get to the cafeteria, the line extends ten feet into the hallway. You can’t remember exactly when your break began. How much time do you have left?
6. You are the primary nurse taking care of a particularly shy female in the gynecology room. Her private physician arrives to see her, but you can see that he is not in a particularly good mood. After much coaxing, the patient agrees to a pelvic exam. How many people will open the door during the exam?
7. An elderly man arrives in the Emergency Department by rescue squad. Twenty minutes later his wife arrives and registers him. She is shown the entrance to the department and slowly shuffles in. How many rooms will she walk into before she finds him?
8. You are assigned to the EENT room. You have a patient to be checked for a peritonsillar abscess. The ENT physician has been paged and expects to arrive in 45 minutes. Three hours later, he arrives and is at the patient’s side, asking for a flashlight. Lightly jogging at 22 miles per hour, how many rooms will you have to search before you find one?
9. You have been asked to cover a coworker’s rooms during her break. One of her patients is an elderly, confused male with an enlarged prostate. A catheter has been inserted and his physician is coming to see him. Somehow he manages to get off the stretcher. The drainage bag is firmly hooked to the side rail. Knowing that the catheter is 16 inches long and the drainage tubing is three feet long, will he be able to reach the door before pulling out the catheter?

# The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it ‘tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it in a pile?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you done it on Mother’s couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

pray this number never grows.
Score times two is your Purity.

# The Geek Test

These are geek wannabees. Now that geeks are in, everybody wants to be a geek. To tell the geeks from the pseudo-geeks, I’ve developed this test:

1. When you open your phone bill, what do you do with it?
1. pay the bill
2. stick the bill in the mess on your desk
3. sit down and read the insert
2. You have three choices of reading material. Which do you read?
1. the sports section of the paper
2. Wired Magzine
3. the dictionary
3. Your prized possession would be…
1. one of Babe Ruth’s baseballs,
2. an autographed picture of Bill Gates
3. a map of the telephone company service areas for your state
4. A major goal in your life is to…
1. get as rich as Bill Gates
2. develop a new game that will become wildly popular
3. track the response times of TIA versus PPP and SLIP

Answers: If you answered A to each question, you’re definitely not a geek. If you answered B to each question, you’re a wanna-be. If you answered C to each question, you’re pure Geek and I’d like to meet you.

# Cat Quiz for Cats

From J Bologna
1. Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?

1. It’s hungry.
2. It’s lost.
3. You’re hungry.
4. Let the begging begin.

2. Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?

1. Supper.
2. Something s/he obviously wouldn’t eat.
3. Something to keep you going till supper’s ready.
4. Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat.

3. Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?

1. You’re in trouble – better not do it again.
2. Nothing – humans do this from time to time.
3. The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
4. It is time to chew on the cable wire again.

4. Staircases are for:

1. Getting up to the human’s bed at 4am.
2. Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
3. Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
4. All of the above.

5. Your human talks/yells at you. You should:

1. Listen intently, even if you don’t understand.
2. Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing.
3. Ignore him/her completely; you’re a cat, they mean nothing.
4. Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior.

6. Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:

1. Important to humans and should be left alone.
2. Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result.
3. Annoying and should be removed immediately.

7. Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:

1. Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed).
2. Played with until they stop playing.
3. Presented to your human as a proud trophy.
4. Hidden under your human’s pillow for safe keeping.
5. Consumed for their nutritional value.

8. A human giving you a bath should be considered:

1. Under no circumstances.
2. Under no circumstances.
3. Under no circumstances.
4. An act of war.
5. All of the above.

9. Your human’s value is limited to:

1. Providing food.
2. Providing water.
3. Letting you out.
4. Providing opposite-gender feline companionship.
5. Leaving you alone.
6. All of the above; if properly trained.

# Cat Quiz for Humans

From J Bologna
1. Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?

1. Welcome home, I missed you.
2. The phone rang twice while you were out.
3. Feed me, *NOW*.
4. So, I see you didn’t bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.

2. Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?

1. Please don’t leave me here all alone.
2. Have a nice day.
3. But what if I get hungry while you out?
4. Kiss that new vase goodbye.

1. An unsuppressed primal instinct.
2. A sign of affection.
3. A demand to be fed now.
5. An attempt to ‘fix’ you like you ‘fixed’ him.

4. Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?

1. Lemme out – I need to fertilize the garden.
2. Wanna go out and play?
3. Wonder what they’ve got to eat next door?
4. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?

5. When your cat stares at you, it means:

1. It is bored silly.
2. It’s trying to understand how it’s food grows in cans.
3. You are being sized-up for an attack.
4. Human mating habits are disgusting.

6. Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:

1. A primal instinct is being displayed.
2. You’re not feeding me enough.
3. It is showing a sign of affection by sharing.
4. It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned.
5. All of the above.

7. Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:

1. Let it out immediately.
2. Try to switch it’s interests to other things.
3. Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out.
4. If the other cat’s owner is attractive, maybe you could double.

1. It is showing you great affection.
2. It knows you are allergic to cats.
3. It has discovered the fine art of suffocation.
4. You should have let it out tonight.

# Cat-Person Profile Quiz

Is your devotion to your cat and “cat things” in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless “cat-a-holic?” Let’s just see how you rate as a “cat person,” shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST “yes” answer to:

• Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?
• Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat’s name by mistake?
• Do you think of your cats as the “furry kids?”
• Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litter box?
• Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?
• Last Christmas did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the kids or grandkids?
• Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don’t own any cats?
• Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won’t disturb the cat who’s sleeping in the very middle?
• Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?
• Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?
• Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?
• When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as “using the litter box”?
• Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?
• Do you know your cat’s birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?
• When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, “OK, it’s me or the cat,” you don’t hesitate for even one second.
• Do your neighbors talk about you as “the nut with all the cats?”

Cat-person Profile Quiz Score

How many did you answer “yes” to? I think just answering one with a “yes” is enough to qualify you as a “Cat Person.” But the number of yes answers determines the degree:

• 1 to 4 yes answers: In training – you could do better, but it’s OK, you’re learning.
• 5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate – working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.
• 9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme – just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.
• 14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations!

Dedicated to Peanut, Mysz, Baby, Stasiek, Gizmo, Loki and so many others…
waiting for us by the rainbow bridge!
We miss you and have never forgotten you.

# Mercedes Benz Driving Test

1. Before changing lanes you should:
1. signal.
2. check.
3. both a & b.
4. just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.
2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
1. red.
2. yellow.
3. green.
4. Who cares, it doesn’t apply to me anyway.
3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
1. 35 MPH.
2. 25 MPH.
3. 45 MPH.
4. I paid \$65,000 for this car, I’ll drive as fast as I want.
4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
1. slow to a walking pace.
2. go around the block.
3. stop.
4. speed up and honk your horn.
5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
2. slow a little.
3. slow a lot.
4. speed up and don’t bother honking your horn.
6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
1. never.
2. when there is a left turn arrow.
3. on Sunday at 2 A.M.
4. When ever you damn well feel like it.
7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
1. must stop.
2. may pass on the left after checking.
3. may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
4. use your car phone to order Chinese food while passing on the left.
8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
1. pull to the right and stop.
2. pull into the nearest car wash.
4. turn up the radio and ignore it.
9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
1. never.
2. when the doors are closed.
3. if there are no police around.
4. when you have missed your turn.
10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should:
1. relax.
2. watch the signal.
3. stop a safe distance back from the car in front.
4. call anyone – even directory assistance – on your car phone so everyone can see that you have a car phone.
11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
1. two blocks before turning.
2. two car lengths before turning.
3. two miles before turning.
4. what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I’ll sue him.
12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:
1. only at an intersection.
2. always.
3. never.
4. if I pass a sale at the jewelers.
13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
1. never.
2. on Sunday.
3. if there is a fire hydrant.
4. when I’ll only be there for five minutes.
14. What is your annual gross income:
1. \$10,000-20,000.
2. \$20,000-40,000.
3. \$40,000-80,000.
4. \$80,000 and up.

Scoring:

If you answered ‘d’ on every question, you have a perfect score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for your retest.

If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we’re sorry, you just don’t have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should consider a BMW.

Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles.

# How Old Are You Really… ?

(The answers are at the end, but don’t cheat!!!!!!!!!!!)

1. Name the 4 Beatles.
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________
2. Finish the line: “Lions and Tigers and Bears, ______ _____!”
3. “Hey kids, what time is it?” _____ ______ _____ _____.
4. What do M&M’s do? ___ ___ ___ ___, ____ ____ ____ ____
5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?______ _______.
6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _______ ______.
7. You’ll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____.”
8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper’s “little buddy.” But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie’s closest friend, _____ G. _____.
9. M-I-C, …. See ya’ real soon, …. K-E-Y, _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!
10. “Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ _____.”
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.
12. From the early days of our music, real rock ‘n roll, finish this line: “I wonder, wonder, wonder…wonder who ____ ______ _____ _____ _____ ____?”
13. And while we’re remembering rock n’ roll, try this one: “War…uh-huh, huh, …yea; what is it good for? , ____ _____.”
14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and _____ ____ _____.
15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women’s stockings. He is Broadway _____ _______.
16. “I’m Popeye the sailor man; I’m Popeye the sailor man. I’m strong to the finish, ____ _____ ____ ___ ______, …. I’m Popeye the sailor man.”
17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______ _______.
18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne’er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, “What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____.”
19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. “Just think, you won’t have ____ ____ to kick around anymore.”
20. “Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda’ broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn’t give no lip to _____ _____, _____ _____ _____.”
21. “I found my thrill, _____ _____ _____.”
22. ________ ________ said, “Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _____ _____ ____.”
23. “Good night, David.” “_____ ______,______.”
24. “Liar, liar, ____ ____ _____.”
25. “When it’s least expected, you’re elected. You’re the star today. _______! _____ ______ ______ ______.”
26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, “We have met the enemy, and ____ ___ ____.”

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1. John, Paul, George, Ringo

2. Oh, my!

3. It’s Howdy Doody Time!

6. Cassius Clay

7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

8. Maynard G. Krebbs

9. Why? Because we like you.

10. A little dab’ll do ya.

11. over 30

12. who wrote the book of love

13. Absolutely nothin’

14. the American way

15. Joe Namath

16. “cause I eats me spinach”

17. Mary Martin

18. is a failure to communicate

19. Richard Nixon

20. Big John, Big Bad John

21. On Blueberry Hill

22. Wherever you are.

23. Good night, Chet.

24. pants on fire

25. Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!

26. he is us

Scoring

• 24-26 correct – 50+ years old
• 20-23 correct – 40’s
• 15-19 correct – 30’s
• 10-14 correct – 20’s
• 0- 9 correct – You’re, like, sorta a teenage dude

# Do You Remember… ?

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Hamburger joints with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. Slingshots
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-Fi
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Amos and Andy
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

See score below.

If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!