If Microsoft Was Located In Georgia…

  • Their No. 1 product would be “Microsoft Winders”.
  • Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle.
  • Occasionally, you’d bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
  • Instead of “Yes”, “No”, or “Cancel”, dialog boxes would give you the choice of “Aww-right”, “Naw”, or “Git”.
  • Instead of “Ta-Dah!”, the opening sound would be “Dueling Banjos”.
  • The “Recycle Bin” would be an outhouse.
  • Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you’d hear “Freebird!”
  • Instead of “Start Me Up”, the Winders theme song would be “Boot Scootin’ Boogie”.
  • Powerpoint would be named “ParPawnt”.
  • Instead of “VP”, Microsoft big shots would be called “Cuz”.
  • Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
  • Daisy Duke screen saver.
  • “Well, the first thing you know old Bill’s a billionaire…”
  • Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
  • Microsoft CEO “Billy-Bob” (a.k.a. “Bubba”) Gates.
  • “ParPawnt” would have a “Pond Scum” and a “Junk Yard” presentation template.
  • One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
  • “This computer protected by Smith and Wesson” screen saver.
  • Directions to Corporate Headquarters – “Down the road a block or so”.
  • Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-“Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me”.

Winders eXP – Alabama Edition

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows eXP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS eXP with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and CDs are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

A few terms may need translation:

  • OK – ats aww-right
  • cancel – hail no
  • reset – aw shoot
  • yes – shore
  • no – Naaaa
  • find – hunt-fer it
  • go to – over yonder
  • back – back yonder
  • help – hep me out here
  • stop – ternit off
  • start – crank it up
  • settings – sittins
  • programs – stuff at does stuff
  • documents – stuff I done done

Also note that Winders eXP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders eXP:
  • tiperiter – A word processor
  • colering book – a graphics program
  • addin mershene – calculator
  • outhouse paper – notepad
  • jupe-box – CD Player
  • iner-net – Internet Explorer
  • pichers – A graphics viewer
  • IRS – M/S accounting software
  • IRS2 – M/S accounting software with hidden files
  • coon dog – American kennel club records
  • fishin – Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
  • NRA – National Rifle Association
  • shot gun – Remington Arms price list
  • riffel – Winchester price list
  • pisstel – Smith & Wesson price list
  • truck – Ford and Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
  • house – Nearest mobile home repair service by zip code
  • car – same as truck just need two lists in Alabama
  • cuzzins – family history usually a 3 meg file
  • tax records – usually an empty file
  • shells – ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
  • bud – list of Budweiser dealers by zip code
  • rasin – NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race
  • car n truck parts – nearest Junk yard by zip code
  • doc – veterinarians by zip code

Windows 9

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 9:

  • Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
  • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
  • Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
  • Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
  • Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  • Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  • This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  • Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
  • This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”
  • To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”
  • BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
  • COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
  • CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
  • File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  • Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  • Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
  • Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
  • WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
  • User Error: Replace user.
  • Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
  • Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…
  • If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?
  • Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. “Word has detected that you don’t wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ASCII file as a Word file anyway?”
  • Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Introducing Solitare XP!

Here is the README.TXT file from Microsoft’s latest software product.

Microsoft Solitaire XP
README file, v4.3



Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire XP! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft-pioneered technologies, such as “long filenames!”

For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.*

Solitaire XP brings this dream to a blissful reality.

System Requirements

  • 266 MHz Pentium II or better
  • 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2.1 gigabytes recommended)
  • 128 megabytes of RAM (256 megabytes for Vegas scoring)

Installation Procedure

  1. Insert the CD-ROM entitled “Microsoft Solitaire” into your CD-ROM drive. You will need to make sure that the drive door is open before you place the disc in the tray.
  2. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to purchase more memory or a larger hard disk drive. See your local Microsoft-certified dealer.
  3. Follow the onscreen instructions. If you cannot read, have somebody else sit through the installation procedure.
  4. Insert the CD-ROM entitled “Microsoft Solitaire, Disc 2” into your CD-ROM drive. As before, ensure that the drive is open before inserting the disc in the tray.
  5. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to upgrade to a Microsoft “Natural” keyboard, which you can obtain from your nearest dealer. As before, follow the onscreen instructions.
  6. After the installation program has completed, check your “Programs” menu for a new Solitaire XP entry. If the program entry was not successfully created, you may need to uninstall all local copies of Netscape Navigator and/or Communicator and restart the Solitaire installation process from scratch.

Playing The Game

Assuming that Solitaire XP has been properly installed, you should be able to find it in your “Programs” menu (you should have verified this as part of the installation process.) Microsoft recommends that you shut down all other programs that may be running on the system before starting Solitaire XP.

To start the game, simply select it from the “Programs” menu. If the game does not start within five to seven minutes of selection, you may need to upgrade to the latest version of Microsoft Office to ensure that your system has the proper DLLs that Solitaire needs.

For game rules, refer to the .HLP files for the Windows 3.1 version of Solitaire. If you don’t have these files, you can purchase them online from Microsoft at very competitive rates.

Coming Soon

Minesweeper XP !!

Watch this space.

[ snip millions of blank lines inserted to balloon README file up to Microsoft mandatory one-megabyte minimum file size. ]

Leave It To Microsoft

From an ex-field sales/support survivor:

I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.

Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.

Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in… some command… maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.

[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer: It is still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you’ll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy but NO… he calls back four hours later]

Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost.

Microsoft’s Upgrades

After first seeing Microsoft’s slogan for its Windows XP operating system, “it just works,” I couldn’t help wondering: what were the slogans for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they became obvious.

  • Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh?
  • Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn’t it?
  • Windows 286: Yeah, we’re still kidding.
  • Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years.
  • Windows 3.0: It’s finally worth buying!
  • Windows 3.1:It’s finally worth using!
  • Windows 95:Going boldly where the Mac has been for years.
  • Windows 98:More usable! Less stable!
  • Windows 98SE:More stable! Less usable!
  • Windows ME:Less usable AND less stable!
  • NT 1.0:Give me more hardware! NOW!!!
  • NT 2.0:Darn it, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!!
  • NT 3.0: Which part of “more hardware” do you not understand?
  • NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I’d work. Honest.
  • NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the speed.
  • Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest!
  • Windows XP:It just works.

File Description: The WindowsXP Source Code

Project: Version – Windows XP

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
      say(“It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
       say(“It will be ready in”, today+30_days,” we’re just testing”);
       say(“Yes it will work”);
       ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
       say(“It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to”
           ” the 32 bits architecture”);
       inform(INTEL, “Pentium sales will rise skyhigh”);
       inform(SAMSUNG, “Start a new memorychip plant”
              “‘cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs”);
       inform(QUANTUM, “Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple”);
       get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
       say(“Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
       register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
           order(journalist, “write a nice objective article”);
           release (journalist);
   while (vapourware)
     introduction_date++; /* Delay */
     if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
     say(“It will be ready in”,today+ONE_MONTH);
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
      say(“that is a hardware problem, not a software problem”);
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, “Keep an eye on this
    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
      if (boobies_start_to_hang)
    if (there_is_another_company)
      accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
     us */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);

void bugfix(void)
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say(“It is not a bugfix but a new version”);
  if (still_complaints)
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We’ll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/

New Microsoft Products

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet, Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 8: Microsoft Panhandling. “The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,” recalls Gates. “I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times.”

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates’ vision of panhandling for the 21st century. “We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works,” says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. “Except for the fact that they’re stinking rich.”

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 8. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. (“This is a little lie,” admits software engineer Adam Miller, “since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn’t embellish a little?”) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user’s bank account to Microsoft’s.

The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The “No” button has not yet been implemented. “We’re experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,” Liu says, “but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2016 comes out. Maybe.”

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. “Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar.” (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 8 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. “Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift,” says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. “I mean, in the future, we won’t need laptop computers asking you for change. You’ll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.”

Gates responded with, “I know you are, but what am I?” Then general pandemonium ensued.

Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed

  • Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.
  • Last year’s pitchfork not compatible with this year’s hay.
  • Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to “wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta.”
  • The “Good Plague” hoax.
  • Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again.
  • The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.
  • Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs.
  • Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill’s haircut.
  • Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie.
  • Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI.
  • The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving.

A New Microsoft Legal Product

Microsoft (MSFT) Announces New CD_ROM Software to Aid Consumers In Suing Itself

(REDMOND) In an effort to make it easier for computer users everywhere to file a law suit against itself, Microsoft Corporation today announced Microsoft Litigation ’06, a multimedia reference library complete with 139 frequently used legal writs, briefs, templates and forms which are accessible from within other programs with a single click.

With this handy tool, a user will be able to combine elements of the popular Microsoft Office and Microsoft Office Professional desktop productivity suites in conjunction with the Litigation ’15 CD-ROM package to quickly and efficiently bring suit against Microsoft for a variety of reasons, whether legitimate or frivolous.

What is new this year:

  • Litigation Builder:
    Located on the QuickSuit information retrieval toolbar, Litigation Builder provides instant access to an enormous variety of case law and civil code from within any program on the Windows platform.
  • Suit Wizards ™:
    Suit Wizards ™ guide the user through the many mazes of ‘legalese’ required to bring suit against Microsoft, whether in city, county, state, Federal, Appellate, or Supreme Court. Localized versions of Litigation ’15 will provide for the equivalent of lawsuits in any nations’ format.
  • Year in Review:
    The Year in Review section highlights lawsuits, findings, settlements and other legal events of the past year which affect Microsoft, including the Justice Department suit, Judge Sporkin’s refusal to approve the settlement and the Stacker suit.
  • All New Forms:
    View more than 650 legal templates and forms from around the world, 930 country-specific case law findings, and 180 bar associations. Also click a Latin legal term to hear it pronounced. Nothing could make it easier for a non-lawyer to bring suit against Microsoft.
  • More Multimedia Elements:
    Litigation ’15 contains all new video for a total of 45 clips, 150 new audio clips for a total of five hours of sound, and 550 new images for a total of 3,000 pictures. The law dictionary contains more than 80,000 spoken pronunciations (the feature can be turned off if desired).