Tag Archives: warning

Windows 9

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The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 9:

  • Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
  • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
  • Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
  • Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
  • Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  • Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  • This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  • Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
  • This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”
  • To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”
  • BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
  • COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
  • CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
  • File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  • Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  • Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
  • Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
  • WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
  • User Error: Replace user.
  • Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
  • Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…
  • If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?
  • Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. “Word has detected that you don’t wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ASCII file as a Word file anyway?”
  • Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Product Warnings

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  • Found on Axius Sno-Off Automobile Windshield cover:
    CAUTION: Never drive with the cover on your windshield.

  • Found a box of Tampax Tampons:
    Remove used tampon before inserting a new one.

  • Found on a box of Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts:
    WARNING: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated

  • Found on the instruction sheet of a Conair Pro Style 1600 hair dryer:
    WARNING: Do not use in shower. Never use while sleeping.

  • Found on Bat Man The Animated Series Armor Set Halloween costume box:
    PARENT: Please exercise caution, mask and chest plate are not protective; cape does not enable wearer to fly.

  • Found in a television set’s owner’s manual:
    Do not pour liquids into your television set.

  • Found on the handle of a hammer:
    CAUTION: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object

  • Found on a butane lighter:
    WARNING: Flame may cause fire

Important Warnings

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  • On the “CycleAware” helmet-mounted mirror: “Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you.”
  • On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens: “Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place.”
  • On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel: “Warning – Remove lock before driving.”
  • In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife: “Keep out of children.”
  • On a packet of juggling balls: “This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA.”
  • On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets: “Warning: may cause drowsiness.”
  • On a packet of peanuts served on an internal flight in China (written in both English and Chinese): “Open packet and eat contents.”
  • On 500g packets of Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Contains nuts.”
  • Seen on a camera: “This camera only works when there is film inside.”
  • On a bottle of flavored milk drink: “After opening, keep upright.”
  • On a Rowenta iron: “Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!”
  • On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: “Spray works in sub-zero temperatures.”
  • On a can of insect spray: “Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray is harmful to bees.”
  • A different brand of insect spray: “Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals.”
  • On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines: “Protect from seawater.”
  • On a Halloween Batman costume: “This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly.”

Deer Tick Warning

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Summer is upon us, so BEWARE !!!!

Like you, I hate it when people forward bogus warnings…but this one is important. And you might want to forward this to those you care about. Or not.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I’d gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

Alcohol Warning Labels We SHOULD See

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  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at 100 yards.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what ever happened to your pants anyway.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named “Psycho.”
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you’re invisible (or invincible).
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

More Alcohol Warning Labels

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Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy

Warning!

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This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.

A special circuit in the machine called a ‘critical detector’ senses the operator’s emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use the machine. The ‘critical detector’ then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.