Microsoft’s Upgrades

After first seeing Microsoft’s slogan for its Windows XP operating system, “it just works,” I couldn’t help wondering: what were the slogans for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they became obvious.

  • Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh?
  • Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn’t it?
  • Windows 286: Yeah, we’re still kidding.
  • Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years.
  • Windows 3.0: It’s finally worth buying!
  • Windows 3.1:It’s finally worth using!
  • Windows 95:Going boldly where the Mac has been for years.
  • Windows 98:More usable! Less stable!
  • Windows 98SE:More stable! Less usable!
  • Windows ME:Less usable AND less stable!
  • NT 1.0:Give me more hardware! NOW!!!
  • NT 2.0:Darn it, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!!
  • NT 3.0: Which part of “more hardware” do you not understand?
  • NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I’d work. Honest.
  • NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the speed.
  • Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest!
  • Windows XP:It just works.

If Operating Systems Were Women…

  • UNIX:
    She’s objective, very logical, and highly intelligent. She’s not terribly attractive but she looks okay with lots of makeup. She’s very tidy and a keeps a clean house. She only speaks ancient Greek and only listens to you if you use perfect grammar and punctuation. She’s very emotionally stable and refuses to argue. People seek her advice on the really important things because they know they can depend on her.
  • Mac OS:
    She’s even tempered and only blows up if you do something really stupid or if there’s something seriously wrong with her system. She’s beautiful and improves with age. She’s very stylish and sets trends. She never lies. She is easy to talk to and you can
    generally get her to do what you want without much of a fuss. She’s a good communicator and likes to talk to friends. She’s flexible and likes change. She’s always nice to people when they come to visit. People love her when they get to know her and she has devoted friends everywhere. She smiles at you when you turn her on.
  • Windows:
    She has a nasty temper and often blows up at you for no reason. You have to fight with her to get her to do anything and she insists that you do things the hard way. She’s extremely jealous and has been known to slip poison into the drinks of other women who
    come to visit. She even fights with her friends and it can take hours to get them to listen to each other. Even then, they only recognize each other when they feel like it. She has many psychological problems which carried over from her DOS childhood, although she claims to be over it. Her house is immaculate until you look in the closets and storage spaces where she hides all the crap she doesn’t want people to see. Her house is full of nifty appliances and home electronics but you’re lucky if you can get anything to work. Nothing in her house is where you would expect it to be; the kitchen is on the roof and the bathroom is through a trap door under a rug. She throws a tantrum if you rearrange the furniture. If she gets really mad she makes you go outside, ring the doorbell and wait for her to calm down and let you back in. She deteriorates with age and gets even more ornery the older she gets.

Go To The Store

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you’re currently using. The same applies to Operating Systems.

This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.


  • MS-DOS 5.0
    You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
  • MS Dos 6.0
    You go to get in your car to go to the store but the car has been run over by a steam roller.
  • Windows
    You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
  • Windows NT
    You get in the car and write a letter that says “go to the store.” Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.

  • Macintosh
    You get in the car to go to the store, and the car drives you to church.
  • UNIX
    You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
  • Taligent/Pink
    You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.
  • OS/2
    After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.
  • S/36 SSP
    You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.
  • AS/400
    An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
  • Operating Systems for Brains

    If you’re brain required an operating system like your computer does, what would it be like?

    • Windows for Brains
      You think about one of any number of things at anyone time but only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank as you encounter a “general protection fault” and as a last resort you have to re-boot your brain.
    • DOS for Brains
      You only think of one thing at one time, and can’t remember anything else you were meant to be thinking about. You think only in words and never any pictures.
    • Unix for Brains
      Wow – you can think of lots of things all at once until your brain runs out of sockets. You can only talk though with people who have brains made by the same vendor. Unfortunately you also never make any sense and have to read manuals to learn how to think. Predominantly a random thinker.
    • CP/M for Brains
      A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember has to be less than 3 letters long.
    • MVS/CICS for Brains
      You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about many things at the one time but never now what other parts of your brain are thinking unless you have set up SNA connections between sections of your brains. You also need an army of system programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.
    • OS/2 for Brains
      You can think about lots of things at once, but you need the equivalent of eighteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce any rational thought. No-one supports your way of thinking and many laugh at you whenever you speak.
    • Mac for Brains:
      Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good, feels good, and is … different…
    • Pick for Brains
      I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.
    • AmigaOS for Brains
      You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small
      memory. The trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to think about the things another to compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit, crosslegged, on the floor.
    • Linux for Brains
      You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets. Unfortunately, there is no support for your particular limbs, ears, or mouth available yet, so you are reluctant to change over at this stage.