Winders eXP – Alabama Edition

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows eXP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS eXP with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and CDs are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

A few terms may need translation:

  • OK – ats aww-right
  • cancel – hail no
  • reset – aw shoot
  • yes – shore
  • no – Naaaa
  • find – hunt-fer it
  • go to – over yonder
  • back – back yonder
  • help – hep me out here
  • stop – ternit off
  • start – crank it up
  • settings – sittins
  • programs – stuff at does stuff
  • documents – stuff I done done

Also note that Winders eXP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders eXP:
  • tiperiter – A word processor
  • colering book – a graphics program
  • addin mershene – calculator
  • outhouse paper – notepad
  • jupe-box – CD Player
  • iner-net – Internet Explorer
  • pichers – A graphics viewer
  • IRS – M/S accounting software
  • IRS2 – M/S accounting software with hidden files
  • coon dog – American kennel club records
  • fishin – Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
  • NRA – National Rifle Association
  • shot gun – Remington Arms price list
  • riffel – Winchester price list
  • pisstel – Smith & Wesson price list
  • truck – Ford and Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
  • house – Nearest mobile home repair service by zip code
  • car – same as truck just need two lists in Alabama
  • cuzzins – family history usually a 3 meg file
  • tax records – usually an empty file
  • shells – ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
  • bud – list of Budweiser dealers by zip code
  • rasin – NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race
  • car n truck parts – nearest Junk yard by zip code
  • doc – veterinarians by zip code

Great Signs

Here are some signs and notices translated to English (for our benefit) that have been recorded from trips throughout the world.

  • In a Tokyo Hotel:
    Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
  • In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
    The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
  • In a Leipzig elevator:
    Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
  • In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
    To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
  • In a Paris hotel elevator:
    Please leave your values at the front desk.
  • In a hotel in Athens:
    Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
  • In a Yugoslavian hotel:
    The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
  • In a Japanese hotel:
    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
  • In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
  • In an Austrian hotel catering to the skiers:
    Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension.
  • On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
  • On the menu of a Polish hotel:
    Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
  • Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
    Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
  • In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
    Drop your trousers here for best results.
  • Outside a Paris dress shop:
    Dresses for street walking.
  • In a Rhodes tailor shop:
    Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
  • From the Soviet Weekly:
    There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
  • A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
    It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
  • In a Zurich hotel:
    Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
  • In an advertisement by Hong Kong dentist:
    Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
  • In a Rome Laundry:
    Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
  • In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
    Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.
  • Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
    Would you like to ride on your own ass?
  • In a Swiss mountain Inn:
    Special today — no ice cream.
  • In a Bangkok temple:
    It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
  • In a Tokyo bar:
    Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
  • In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
    We take your bags and send them in all directions.
  • On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
    If this is your first visit to the Russia, you are welcome to it.
  • In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
    Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
  • In a Budapest zoo:
    Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
  • In the office of a Roman doctor:
    Specialist in women and other diseases.
  • In an Acapulco hotel:
    The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
  • In a Tokyo shop:
    Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
  • From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
    Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
  • From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
    When passenger of foot have in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
  • Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
    – English well speaking.
    – Here speeching American.

A Translation Of Yankee Dog To Southern Dawg

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners…

  • (Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
    (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg
  • (Yankee) Poodle
    (Southern) Circus Dawg
  • (Yankee) St. Bernard
    (Southern) “Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg”
  • (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
    (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches
  • (Yankee) Beagle
    (Southern) Rabbit Dawg
  • (Yankee) Rottweiler
    (Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.
  • (Yankee) Yellow Lab
    (Southern) Ol’ Yeller Dawg
  • (Yankee) Black Lab
    (Southern) Duck fetchin’ Dawg
  • (Yankee) Greyhound
    (Southern) Greased Lightnin’ Dawg
  • (Yankee) Malinois
    (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg
  • (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
    (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs
  • (Yankee) Pekinese
    (Southern) Mop Dawg
  • (Yankee) Chinese Crested
    (Southern) Nekkid Dawg
  • (Yankee) Dachshund
    (Southern) Weenie Dawg
  • (Yankee) Siberian Husky
    (Southern) Sled-Pullin’ Dawg
  • (Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
    (Southern) “What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?”
  • (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
    (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg
  • (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
    (Southern) Egg-Suckin’ Dawg
  • (Yankee) Any lazy dog
    (Southern) Good fer nothin’ Dawg
  • (Yankee) Any dog that’s dead and buried and gone to the Rainbow Bridge
    (Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had…

How to Say “I Love You” In Different Languages

  • English — I love you
  • Albanian — Une te dua
  • Arabic — Ana bhibbik
  • Catalan — Testimo molt
  • Chinese — Wo ai ni
  • Eskimo — Nagligivaget
  • Estonian — Ma armastan sind
  • Finnish — Minä rakastan sinua
  • French — Je t’aime
  • German — Ich liebe dich
  • Greek — S’agapo
  • Hawaiian — Aloha wau ia oe
  • Hebrew — Ani ohev otakh
  • Hopi — Nu’ umi unangwa’ta
  • Hungarian — Se ret lay
  • Irish — Thaim in grabh leat
  • Italian — Ti amo
  • Japanese — Ai shite imasu
  • Latvian — Es tevi milu
  • Macedonian — Te sakam
  • Maltese — Inhobbok
  • Norwegian — Jeg elsker deg
  • Pashto — Za tasara meena kawam
  • Persian — Duset daaram
  • Polish — Kocham cię
  • Romanian — Te iubesc
  • Russian — Ya lyublyu tyebya
  • Spanish — Te amo
  • Swedish — Jag alskar dig
  • Thai — Phom rak khun
  • Turkish — Seni seviyorum
  • Redneck — Nice Tits

Contemporary Latin Phrases

  • “Domino vobiscum.”
    The pizza guy is here.
  • “Auda similarum ad seattles.”
    They all sound just like Pearl Jam.
  • “Sharpei diem.”
    Seize the wrinkled dog.
  • “Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus.”
    Remove foil before microwaving.
  • “Il guyus nissanem iste ickye.”
    That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.
  • “Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum.”
    Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.
  • “Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum.”
    A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.
  • “Motorolus interruptus.”
    Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.
  • “Veni, vidi, Pesci.”
    I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.
  • “Revelare Pecunia!”
    Show Me The Money!
  • “Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat.”
    Yeah, where DO I want to go today?
  • “Sic semper tyrannus.”
    Your dinosaur is ill.
  • “No Quid Pro Quo.”
    I’m Sorry, We’re All Out of Quid.
  • “Cavaeat humanus sic tofu burritus e toga.”
    Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.
  • “Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus.”
    It’s Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.
  • “Veni, Vidi, Velcro”
    I came; I saw; I stuck around.
  • “Et tu, pluribus unum?”
    The government just stabbed me in the back!

Bad Marketing Translations

  • The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”
  • Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.
  • Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign:
    “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”
  • Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, in to Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”
  • When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.
  • Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.
  • An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I Saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).
  • Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.
  • The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect.Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokou kole”, translating into “happiness in the mouth.”
  • Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”
  • When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”
  • When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
  • Ford blundered when marketing the Pinto in Brazil because the term in Brazilian Portuguese means “tiny male genitals”.
  • Ikea products were marketed in Thailand with Swedish names that in the Thai language mean “sex” and “getting to third base”.”
  • KFC made Chinese consumers a bit apprehensive when “finger licking good” was translated as “eat your fingers off”.”
  • Mercedes-Benz entered the Chinese market under the brand name “Bensi,” which means “rush to die”.
  • Nike had to recall thousands of products when a decoration intended to resemble fire on the back of the shoes resembled the Arabic word for Allah.
  • Panasonic launched a Web-ready PC with a Woody Woodpecker theme using the slogan “Touch Woody: The Internet Pecker”.
  • Paxam, an Iranian consumer goods company, markets laundry soap using the Farsi word for “snow,” resulting in packages labeled “Barf Soap”.
  • Puffs marketed its tissues under that brand name in Germany even though “puff” is German slang for a brothel.
  • Vicks introduced its cough drops into the German market without realizing that the German pronunciation of “v” is “f” making “Vicks” slang for sexual intercourse.