Your Dog is Barking

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone…

“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back …

“Good morning, Mr. Williams…. Just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”

Wellness Tips We Can Learn From a Dog

  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  • When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
  • Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
  • When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
  • Take naps and stretch before rising.
  • Run, romp and play daily.
  • Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
  • Be loyal.
  • Never pretend to be something you’re not.
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
  • Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
  • When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  • No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout……run right back and make friends.
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

How to Tell the Weather

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

  • If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
  • If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy.
  • If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.


New Dog Breeds Recognized by the AKC

  • Collie + Lhasa Apso
    Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
  • Spitz + Chow Chow
    Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
  • Pointer + Setter
    Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
  • Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
    Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
  • Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
    Peekasso, an abstract dog
  • Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
    Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
  • Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
    Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
  • Newfoundland + Basset Hound
    Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
  • Terrier + Bulldog
    Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
  • Bloodhound + Labrador
    Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
  • Malamute + Pointer
    Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
  • Collie + Malamute
    Commute, a dog that travels to work
  • Deerhound + Terrier
    Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
  • Bull Terrier + Shitzu
    Oh, never mind….

Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog If…

  • There’s potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
  • The dog’s nails have been cut with pinking shears.
  • The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
  • The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.
  • That telltale lemon slice in the new silver waterbowl.
  • You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
  • Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
  • A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog’s crate.
  • Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool handknitted sweater with matching boots.
  • The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

Jesus is Watching You

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the rottweiler Jesus.”


This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks. Well, they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!” Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

10 Reasons Why It’s Great to be a Dog

  1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
  2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
  3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don’t even have to comb your own hair.
  4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
  5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you’re cute.
  6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
  7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
  8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
  9. It doesn’t take much to make you happy. You’re always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
  10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

Are You as Good As Your Dog?


  • If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills
  • If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.
  • If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles
  • If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it
  • If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time
  • If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of your own, something goes wrong
  • If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
  • If you can face the world without lies and deceit
  • If you can conquer tension without medical help
  • If you can relax without liquor
  • If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

…Then, you are almost as good as your dog.

Airedale Terrier Rescue and Adoption Newsletter, March 1998

Dog Pet Peeves

  • When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
  • Blaming your farts on me…not funny.
  • Yelling at me for barking…I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
  • How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
  • Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who’s walk is this anyway?
  • Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.
  • Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet…Why’d you buy carpet?
  • Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.
  • How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
  • Dog sweaters? …… Have you noticed the fur?….. Imbecile.
  • Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. (Now you know why we chew your shit up when you’re not home.)
  • When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
  • Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
  • The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.