Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone…
“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back …
“Good morning, Mr. Williams…. Just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
- If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
- If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy.
- If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the rottweiler Jesus.”
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks. Well, they said, “let’s try this out.”
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!” Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
- If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills
- If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.
- If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles
- If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it
- If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time
- If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of your own, something goes wrong
- If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
- If you can face the world without lies and deceit
- If you can conquer tension without medical help
- If you can relax without liquor
- If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
…Then, you are almost as good as your dog.
Airedale Terrier Rescue and Adoption Newsletter, March 1998