Dog Pet Peeves

  • When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
  • Blaming your farts on me…not funny.
  • Yelling at me for barking…I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
  • How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
  • Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who’s walk is this anyway?
  • Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.
  • Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet…Why’d you buy carpet?
  • Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.
  • How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
  • Dog sweaters? …… Have you noticed the fur?….. Imbecile.
  • Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. (Now you know why we chew your shit up when you’re not home.)
  • When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
  • Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
  • The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.