Doesn’t It Annoy You When…

  • there’s a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
  • you buy an answering machine so you won’t miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
  • there’s a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
  • you’re reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
  • you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it’ll magically open for them and not you.
  • someone says, “well, to make a long story short” and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
  • a friend or family member says “Yuck! This is awful!!” and then tells you to try some.
  • you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just looking around.
  • you rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
  • a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
  • your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
  • there’s a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
  • the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
  • someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
  • the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
  • you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don’t, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Dog Pet Peeves

  • When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
  • Blaming your farts on me…not funny.
  • Yelling at me for barking…I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
  • How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
  • Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who’s walk is this anyway?
  • Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.
  • Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet…Why’d you buy carpet?
  • Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.
  • How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
  • Dog sweaters? …… Have you noticed the fur?….. Imbecile.
  • Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. (Now you know why we chew your shit up when you’re not home.)
  • When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
  • Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
  • The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.