Winders eXP – Alabama Edition

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows eXP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS eXP with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and CDs are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

A few terms may need translation:

  • OK – ats aww-right
  • cancel – hail no
  • reset – aw shoot
  • yes – shore
  • no – Naaaa
  • find – hunt-fer it
  • go to – over yonder
  • back – back yonder
  • help – hep me out here
  • stop – ternit off
  • start – crank it up
  • settings – sittins
  • programs – stuff at does stuff
  • documents – stuff I done done

Also note that Winders eXP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders eXP:
  • tiperiter – A word processor
  • colering book – a graphics program
  • addin mershene – calculator
  • outhouse paper – notepad
  • jupe-box – CD Player
  • iner-net – Internet Explorer
  • pichers – A graphics viewer
  • IRS – M/S accounting software
  • IRS2 – M/S accounting software with hidden files
  • coon dog – American kennel club records
  • fishin – Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
  • NRA – National Rifle Association
  • shot gun – Remington Arms price list
  • riffel – Winchester price list
  • pisstel – Smith & Wesson price list
  • truck – Ford and Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
  • house – Nearest mobile home repair service by zip code
  • car – same as truck just need two lists in Alabama
  • cuzzins – family history usually a 3 meg file
  • tax records – usually an empty file
  • shells – ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
  • bud – list of Budweiser dealers by zip code
  • rasin – NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race
  • car n truck parts – nearest Junk yard by zip code
  • doc – veterinarians by zip code

Abbott and Costello Meet Windows 7

Costello: Hey, Abbott!

Abbott: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.

Abbott: That’s great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium IV 1.4 Gig, with 8 Gigs of RAM, a 500 Gig hard drive, and a 96X CD-ROM.

Abbott: That’s terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don’t know what any of it means!!

Abbott: You will in time.

Costello: That’s exactly why I am here to see you.

Abbott: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.

Abbott: Well, I don’t know-

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you’re going to train me.

Abbott: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.

Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.

Abbott: That’s true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?

Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.

Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?

Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.

Abbott: Well Start doesn’t actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.

Abbott: Start

Costello: Start what?

Abbott: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?

Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don’t have to get rude!

Abbott: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.

Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don’t say, “Start!”

Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

Abbott: But that’s what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

Abbott: Don’t be ridiculous.

Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it’s about time we started this conversation.

Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

  • They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that.
  • Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Okay, Windows does that.
  • Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows does that, too.
  • Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems Sigh… Windows does that, too.
  • Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that’s with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus