Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of “brb gotta pee” took some of the romance out of it.

____ Your use of the term “the ol’ cyber ball and chain” to refer to me has hurt my feelings.

____ I’ve found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.

____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:

____ You typed: “I remove my bra” when you claimed to be a man.

____ You typed: “I enter you” when you claimed to be a woman.

____ You typed your own name at the end.

____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.

____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.

____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

____ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.

____ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.

____ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

____ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you’re spending on the computer.

____ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.

____ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

____ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.

____ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We’ve simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

____ Sincerely,

____ Gleefully,

____ I have to go before the warden calls “lights out,”

____ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

____ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]