The Difference Between Men and Women

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he Wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and shove it

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have… Oh gosh, I feel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…it’s that I… I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Roger.

“That way about time,” says Elaine.

“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes…”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

“Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

I Was Petrified

(To the tune of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side.
I would’ve drunk a little less, I would’ve tried to keep my head,
If I’d known for just one second I’d be in your crusty bed…

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I’ve fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it’s just a broken-out disgrace,
But I’d rather look at that, than at your fucken ugly face..!

I want to go, I’ve got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I’ve got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you looked just like that Richard Gere!

I can’t believe, that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or simply bound and gagged.
I’m fucking off right now, I’m jumping on the flippin’ train and I’m not
stopping till I’m home and washed your greeblies down the drain.

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you’re an ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he’s got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I’m stuck with you, you twat.

It’s time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I’m going to give up all the booze, I’m going to have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun!

Dating Dictionary

  • Dating
    The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
  • Easy
    A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
  • Eye Contact
    A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
  • Friend
    A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
  • Indifference
    A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”
  • Irritating Habit
    What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
  • Nymphomaniac
    A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
  • Sober
    A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
  • Attraction
    The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
  • Love at First Sight
    What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
  • Law of Relativity
    How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

A Mixed-Up Pair of Gloves

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up, the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note:

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you just how much I love you. I chose these because I noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons up front, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales girl I bought these from showed me a pair she has been wearing for over three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try them on for me and she really looked smart in them. I wish I could put them on you for the first time but no doubt other men’s hands will come in contact with them before I have a opportunity to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little wet from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love,

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the next year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict

  • She calls to ask you the meaning of “conjugal.”
  • Her new bumper sticker: “Convicts do it for life.”
  • She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.
  • She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you’re on opposite sides of the same window.
  • Your ex *is* a convict.
  • Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, “just like Uncle Snake!”
  • You hear her asking the kids if the “screws” at daycare are treating them right.
  • Your children’s response to why drugs are bad is “they violate your parole.”
  • You’re spending another weekend with the kids because “Mommy has the Conjugals.”
  • She boasts: “He’s a former child TV star!”
  • Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.
  • Her license plate is autographed.

Ethnic Dating

    First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
    Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
    Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
    First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
    Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
    20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
    First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
    Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
    Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3 carat ring.
    5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
    6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
    First Date: You get dynamite head.
    Second Date: You get more great head.
    Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.
    First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home. She gave you the wrong address.
    Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
    Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.
    First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens..
    Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
    Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
    First date: Meet her parents.
    Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
    Third date: Wedding night.
    First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
    Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
    Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
    Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you!
    First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
    Second Date: She is pregnant.
    Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

Dating Versus Marriage

When you are dating…
Farting is never an issue.
When you are married…
You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating…
He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married…
He brings home a six pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating…
A Single bed for two isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married…
A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating…
Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”
When you are married…
When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating…
He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married…
The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating…
He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married…
He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating…
He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married…
He develops a “blank” stare.

When you are dating…
He calls you by name.
When you are married…
He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”

When you are dating…
You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married…
You think to yourself – “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

When you are dating…
You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married…
You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating…
You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married…
You wonder who will die first.

Rules to Date My Daughter

  • Rule #1
    My daughter’s name is Stephanie. Her name is not “Mama”, “Houchie”, “Babe”, “Yo Bitch”, or any other name currently in the vocabulary of your age group identifying young women. With her permission, you may call her by her nickname, “Sam.” If I hear any of these other terms used to refer to my sweet girl you will get an immediate response from me, her father.
  • Rule #2
    I am Stephanie’s father. You can call me “Sir”. This is as in “Yes Sir”, “No Sir”, “I wouldn’t think of it, Sir”, and “I will remember that good advice, Sir.”
  • Rule #3
    Do not touch my daughter in front of me as it may provoke an uncontrollable and probably overly aggressive response on my part. You may glance at her as long as your glances are from the neck up.
  • Rule #4
    When a woman says “No” it means “No!” However, when Stephanie says “No” it means, “If you do not immediately stop what you are doing I will tell my Daddy and very soon, when you are alone and least expect it, he will be standing behind you in the dark with a grin on his face waiting for you to turn around so you and he can have a “friendly” chat.”
  • Rule #5
    If you stop in front of my house and honk you had better be delivering a pizza. If I learn that you are honking for my daughter I will come outside and twist off your honker. Also, be aware that I will be observing to see if Stephanie opens her own car door. I open the door for my mother, my wife, my daughter, and any other woman who gets in my car. You should do the same. However, if I ever get into your car, please do not open my door.
  • Rule #6
    When you meet me for the first time please do not be uncomfortable if I stare at you. I am only doing this so I can cement the memory of what you look like into my mind. This, of course, is in case I have to come after you for violating one of the rules. I would hate for there to ever be a case of mistaken identity involving an innocent bystander.
  • Rule #7
    Please bring my daughter back home in the same shape she left in. Drive carefully. Protect her from drunks and obnoxious people. Do not coax her to try drugs or alcohol. Always be ready to use your body to get between her and any objects flying in her direction. Also, I expect her clothing to come back in the same condition it left in. You should know that I would not react well if I saw even one grass stain on any portion of her clothing.
  • Rule #8
    Do not go to school and tell stories to your pals about my daughter, whether true or untrue. If you do, be prepared to explain to those same pals how that mouse appeared under your right eye.
  • Rule #9
    I am aware it is considered fashionable for boys your age to want to put “hickeys” on the necks of their girlfriends. I can only guess it is done to show your friends how passionate you can get. If you ever get that passionate feeling with my daughter and have the desire to suck on her neck, please remember, a hickey on my daughter’s neck only tells me that you have no concern for your well-being.
  • Rule #10
    Stephanie will always have a specific time in the evening when I expect her home. Please take this curfew seriously because I will not be able to sleep until I know she has safely returned home. If you bring her home too late or, God forbid, the next morning, the camouflaged face looking in the window of your car will be mine.

Last Comment From Dad:

Young man, if you are still here after reading these rules you must really care for my daughter. This is the way to get me on your side. Seriously, there is only one rule. This one rule is simply that you care for my daughter as much as I do.

Signs You are Dating a Consultant

  • Referred to the first month of your relationship as a diagnostic period.
  • Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
  • Takes a half-day at the office because, Sunday is your day.
  • Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
  • Tries to call room service from the bedroom.
  • Ends any argument by saying, “Let’s talk about this off-line”.
  • Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
  • Can’t be trusted with the car – too accustomed to beating up rentals.
  • Valentine’s Day card has bullet points.
  • Refers to lovemaking as a win-win.

Care to Dance?

At the bar one night, a man approached one of the ladies standing near the edge of the dance floor. “Would you like to dance?” he asked.

The girl didn’t even look at him when she replied, “I don’t like this song, and even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.”

The man immediately said, “Oh, I’m sorry, but you must have misunderstood me. I said, ‘You look fat in those pants.'”