If Men Ruled The World

  • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To “I love you.”
  • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  • Garbage would take itself out.
  • Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
  • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
  • Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn’t help — you STILL wouldn’t remember!)
  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off. Mother’s Day, too.
  • St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
  • But it would be celebrated every month.
  • Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.
  • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
  • Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
  • Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.