- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
- Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a “good catch” simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- “Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Hunks.”
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like: “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” “You’re beautiful,” “Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit.”
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To “I love you.”
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
- Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn’t help — you STILL wouldn’t remember!)
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off. Mother’s Day, too.
- St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
- But it would be celebrated every month.
- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
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