If Women Ruled the World

  • Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
  • Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
  • PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
  • Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
  • Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
  • A man would no longer be considered a “good catch” simply because he is breathing.
  • Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
  • Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
  • “Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
  • Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
  • Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
  • Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Hunks.”
  • Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
  • Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
  • Men would learn phrases like: “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” “You’re beautiful,” “Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit.”
  • Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
  • Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
  • All toilet seats would be nailed down.
  • Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
  • TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
  • All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
  • During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
  • Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
  • After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
  • For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

If Men Ruled The World

  • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To “I love you.”
  • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  • Garbage would take itself out.
  • Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
  • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
  • Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn’t help — you STILL wouldn’t remember!)
  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off. Mother’s Day, too.
  • St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
  • But it would be celebrated every month.
  • Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.
  • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
  • Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
  • Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.