The Difference Between Men and Women

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he Wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and shove it

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have… Oh gosh, I feel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…it’s that I… I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Roger.

“That way about time,” says Elaine.

“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes…”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

“Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

Moods …

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction
A woman is a bundle of contradiction
She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house

She’ll take him for better, she’ll take him for worse
She’ll break open his head and then be his nurse
But when he’s well and can get out of bed
She’ll pick up the teapot and aim for his head

Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
She’ll call him a king, then make him a clown
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down

She’ll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan
She’ll run away from him and never come back
But if he runs away, then she’ll be on his tracks

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose
She’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose
She’ll win you in range, enchant you in silk
She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad
She’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad

Moods of a Man


Men and Women Compared

  • Nicknames
    If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and Mark go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as FatBoy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
  • Eating Out
    When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and Mark will each throw in $20, even though the total bill is only $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
  • Money
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
  • Bathrooms
    A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
  • Arguments
    A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  • Cats
    Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
  • Future
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  • Success
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  • Marriage
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
  • Dressing
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
  • Looks
    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  • Offspring
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Men Versus Women, Round 2

  • Why do men become smarter during sex?
    (because they are plugged into a genius)
  • Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
    (they don’t have enough time)
  • Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
    (they don’t stop for directions)
  • Why did God put men on earth?
    (because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)
  • Why don’t women have men’s brains?
    (because they don’t have penises to put them in)
  • What do electri trains and breasts have in common?
    (they’re intended for children but men usually end up playing with them)
  • Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
    (because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
  • Why do men masturbate?
    (it is sex with someone they love)
  • Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
    (so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties)
  • Why did God make men before women?
    (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
  • Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?
    (so he can tell if he’s coming or going)
  • How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
    (nobody knows, since it has never happened)
  • Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument.
    (Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument)

Human Geography

Geography of a Woman

  • Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
  • Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
  • Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
  • Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France, gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.
  • Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
  • Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
  • Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
  • After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Geography of a Man

  • Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iran – ruled by a dick.

Facts About Men and Women

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  • To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
  • Married men live longer than single men.
    But married men are a lot more willing to die.
  • Any married man should forget his mistakes.
    No sense two people remembering the same thing.
  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Comebacks to Comebacks to Those One-Liners

  • M: I know how to please a woman.
    W: Then please leave me alone.
    M: I guess you’re pretty good at pleasing yourself then.
  • M: I want to give myself to you.
    W: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.
    M: Oh, just cheap perfume then.
  • M: Your hair color is fabulous.
    W: Thank you. It’s on aisle three at the corner drug store.
    M: Is that also where you got your eyelashes and colored contacts?
  • M: You look like a dream.
    W: Go back to sleep.
    M: You mean this isn’t a nightmare?
  • M: I can tell that you want me.
    W: Yes, I want you to leave.
    M: Well, I wasn’t planning on doing you HERE!
  • M: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
    W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.
    M: Really? You look more like a “Yield.”
  • M: Your body is like a temple.
    W: Sorry, there are no services today.
    M: Here’s a donation to restore the exterior.
  • M: Is this seat empty?
    W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
    M: [Looking away] Honey, there’s two here!
  • M: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
    W: What’s it like being the biggest liar in the world?
    M: You’re right. I was lying.
  • M: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
    W: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
    M: Well, I guess you really don’t belong in the men’s room anyway.

Why Boys and Girls Are Equal But Not the Same

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

  • You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
  • You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
  • Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
  • A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun or other weapon.
  • When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
  • Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
  • Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
  • If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
  • Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boy’s arm.
  • Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
  • By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
  • Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
  • Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Pokemon” movie three times in a row.
  • Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Biological Differences

Even though we can now explain differences between men and women’s social conducts genetically (that’s the best excuse I’ve heard for years), several facts remain puzzling and distinguished professors in the field think answer may be a few centuries away yet…for instance, can you explain why:

  • Men are biologically incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.
  • Men drive to a party, women drive back.
  • Heterosexual women are not frightened by lesbians, whereas heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals — once they are pointed out to them, by women.
  • Men have flu, women have colds.
  • Women do not replace tops on jars and tubes. Men put them on so tightly that they cannot be removed at all.
  • Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: (e.g. drink a cup of coffee.) In the same time a multitasking women can make breakfast, make the children’s sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and DE-flea the cat. Women have not yet realized this is an evolutionary disadvantage.
  • Men warm their posteriors at the fire, women do not. Women’s posteriors enable them to sit comfortably on the floor, men’s do not.
  • A man who regularly visits his mother is a mommy’s boy. A women who does the same is a good daughter.
  • A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult women will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a nightgown.
  • A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house. A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo system.
  • Exactly the same haircut will cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.

Signs You Are On a Bad Date

  • Girls you know you’re on a bad date when:
    • You order a Double Whopper and he says, “Hey, my name ain’t Rockefeller, honey.”
    • You’ve never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.
    • He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.
    • Your dinner reservations are under “Loser, party of 2”
    • He’s especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.
    • He calls to tell you he’ll pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.
    • He’s been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.

  • Guys you know you’re on a bad date when:
    • She whispers to the waiter, “Please kill me.”
    • All she talks about is how great it is working for Heidi Fleiss.
    • You catch her giving her phone number to the guy cleaning your windshield.
    • She lunges at you several times with a steak knife.
    • She keeps calling you “Bachelor Number Two”.
    • “Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?”
    • She transitions the conversation by saying “I’ve said enough about me. What do you think about me?”