- You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
- If someone says, “I’ll be right back.” they won’t.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
- A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
The Old Martha: Martha Kostyra
The New Martha: Martha Stewart
The Old Martha: August 3, 1941
The New Martha: August 3, 1947
- Net Worth:
The Old Martha: $650 million
The New Martha: $400 mil (saved $45K!)
- Favorite Color:
The Old Martha: dollar-bill green
The New Martha: minimum-security orange
- Favorite Movie:
The Old Martha: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
The New Martha: The Great Escape
- Favorite Game Show:
The Old Martha: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
The New Martha: Jeopardy!
- Favorite Beatles Song:
The Old Martha: Baby You’re a Rich Man
The New Martha: I’m a Loser
- Favorite Old TV Show:
The Old Martha: Wonder Woman
The New Martha: The Fugitive
- Favorite Cable Network:
The Old Martha: Home & Garden TV
The New Martha: Court TV
- Biggest Turn-Off:
The Old Martha: Mildew
The New Martha: Squealing to the Feds
- Favorite Sports Team:
The Old Martha: Bucks
The New Martha: Dodgers
- Most Admired Historical Figure:
The Old Martha: Cleopatra
The New Martha: Nixon
- Mission Statement:
The Old Martha: Grab it while the grabbing’s good.
The New Martha: Bring it all crashing down around me.
- Celebrity I Most Want to Meet:
The Old Martha: Ken Lay
The New Martha: Johnnie Cochran
- At least 5 people in this world, love you so much they would die for you.
- At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way.
- The only reason anyone would ever hate you, is because they want to be just like you.
- A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you.
- Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
- You mean the world to someone.
- Without you, someone may not be living.
- You are special and unique, in your own way.
- Someone that you don’t know even exists, loves you.
- When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
- When you think the world has turned it’s back on you, take a look, you most likely turned your back on the world.
- When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you probably won’t get it, but if you believe in yourself, you probably sooner or later will get it.
- Always remember complements you received, forget about the rude remarks.
- Always tell someone how you feel about them, you will feel much better when they know.
- If you have great friends, take the time to let them know that they are great.
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- Married men live longer than single men.
But married men are a lot more willing to die.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes.
No sense two people remembering the same thing.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
- A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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