Tag Archives: voice mail

What if God Had Voice Mail?

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We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this…

Thank you for calling The Lord’s House. Please select from the following options:

  • Press 1 for General Requests
  • Press 2 for Thansgiving
  • Press 3 for Complaints
  • Press 4 for Healing
  • Press 5 for Help with the IRS
  • Press 6 for Rain or No Rain
  • Press 7 for Miracles
  • Press 8 for Lottery Winning Numbers
  • Press 9 for All Other Inquiries, or Just to Say “Hi”
  • Press 0 to hear this menu again

What if God used the familiar excuse: “I’m sorry, all the angels are helping other sinners right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium.

Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer:

  • If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.
  • For Michael, press 22.
  • For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.
  • If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55. Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear.
  • To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social security number, the press the pound (#) key, enter his or her date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice.
  • For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah’s Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs, please wait until you arrive here, answers can only be understood from a “heavenly perspective.”
  • To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. Please be careful, your receiver may become warm.
  • Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow.
  • This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).
  • To order any religious material enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date.
  • For emergencies, refer to your Bible.

Clinton’s Voice Mail

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Back when President Clinton was still in office and you tried to call the White House on the phone during the day, this is what you often heard:

You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don’t hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call.
Have a nice day now!

  • If you are male and would like to leave a message for the President,
    press 9.

  • If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president,
    press M-O-T-E-L-6.

  • If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea,
    press N-O-W-A-Y.

  • To leave a message for Buddy,
    press D-O-G.

  • To leave a message for Socks,
    press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.

  • To leave a message for Roger Clinton,
    press A-A.

  • To leave a message for Ted Kennedy,
    Press 7-A-N-D-7.

  • If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom,
    press D-O-L-L-A-R.

  • If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee,
    press Y-E-N.

  • If you are calling to support Hillary’s birth control program,
    press F-R-I-G-I-D.

  • If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno,
    press W-A-C-O.

  • To leave a message for a member of Congress,
    press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

  • To leave a message for the Gore 2000 campaign,
    press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.

  • If you wish to make a complaint,
    press B-I-T-E-M-E.

  • To speak to an operator,
    press O.

  • To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the President will answer your call shortly.