Answering Machine Messages

  • “I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.”
  • “Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.”
  • “You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…”
  • “Hello, this is Douglas. I’m not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil.” (background noise –open a drawer and shuffle stuff around) “Okay, what would you like me to tell me?”
  • “Hello. I’m Douglas’s answering machine. What are you?”
  • “This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.”
  • “Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press Record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does……”
  • “Douglas’s house, the final frontier. These are the messages of Douglas’s answering machine. Its five-year mission: to seek out your name and your telephone number. To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.”
  • (Noisy pick-up of phone) “Hi, I’m a burglar and I was just about to steal Douglas’s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I’ll….uh…..I’ll post it on the fridge where he’ll see it. By the way, do you know where he keeps the silver?”
  • “The number you’ve dialed is purely imaginary. Please multiply by one and dial again.”
  • (Sound of loud music in background) “Hello? Just a second while I turn off the stereo.” (Sound of person running — music gets quiet — sound of person running back to phone) “Okay, sorry about that. Hi there, who’s this….Well hi!….Uh huh….yeah…well listen, you’re talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I’ll call you back.”
  • Hi, Douglas’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets on my face here.”
  • “Prepare for testing of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5…4…3…2…1….”
  • Said in a soft FM-style voice, “Next on Public Radio, we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72.”
  • voice 1: “Answer the phone, please, Hal.”
    voice 2: “I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.”
  • “C’mon….you can do it….just a little one. That’s the way…. just a little beep, just a little one. C’mon….good boy….here we go….like this — beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeep, c’mon….You can do it!”
  • “This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.