How to Tell When it’s Going to be a Rotten Day

  • You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
  • You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
  • You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office
  • Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
  • Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
  • You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night and there aren’t any
  • Your turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city
  • Your twin forgot your birthday
  • You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize that you don’t have a waterbed
  • Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway
  • Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache
  • Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat
  • The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
  • You wake up and your braces are locked together
  • You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose
  • You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business
  • Your income tax check bounces
  • Your blind date turns out to be your ex
  • Your pet rock snaps at you
  • Your wife says “Good Morning, Bill” and your name is George
  • You put both contact lenses in the same eye