- During a rather physical match against Norway, member of Canadian Curling Team arrested for “Assault with a Deadly Push-broom.”
- National Olympic Training Facility now supplied by Ben Johnson Catering, Inc.
- “Baywatch: Vancouver” canceled due to goose bumps.
- Toronto and Montreal actively trying to trade for John Rocker.
- Shockingly disproportionate ratio of moose to homicidal professional athletes.
- Location: between North Dakota and North Pole.
- Feather boa-clad Minnesota National Guard troops massing on the border to defend governor’s mansion against recent snowball incursions.
- Sudden uptick in teenage moose pregnancies.
- Trademark “Eh?” has given way to “Enh” accompanied by shrug.
- Detroit begins to rival Los Angeles in sheer number of resident illegal aliens.
- The Road to Heck now almost completely paved with maple leaves.
- In effort to prop up national tragedy of sagging male egos, Parliament considers adding an “f” to the proud “Canuck” nickname.
- Ten minutes of roughhousing with the kids leaves it — HOO! — breathless and sweaty.
- Caught smuggling that fresh pine scent in from Michigan.
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