Tag Archives: dr seuss

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road .. according to Dr. Seuss

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Would you, could you cross the street
On your two small chicken feet?

I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in Japan
To flee Godzilla and Rodan

Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross the road and cluck
And jump to avoid the speeding truck?

Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you hop across the road
As though you were a garden toad?

Not across the road
as though a toad
Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in the night
Lit by passing car headlight?

Not in the night
With car headlight
Not across the road
As though a toad
Not with a cluck
To avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Please dear chicken give it a try
For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I’ll give it a try
For it is true, chickens can’t fly.
Hey! It’s not bad, infact it’s neat!
I truly love to cross the street.
Across the road I LOVE to scram.
I cross the road, a fowl I am.

Bill Clinton’s Testimony According to Dr. Seuss

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I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you’ve been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Suddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ’round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn’t even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those state troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don’t remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don’t recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you’ve caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek: the Next Generation

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By Dave Fuller

Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We’ll have two days ’til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can’t,
We can’t, we mustn’t, and we shan’t,
The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I’m sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship’s on fire!

Picard: The ship’s on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me…

Worf: Not me!

Picard: Computer, how long ’til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems…

Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You’ve saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You’ve saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet —

Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite…

Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand — we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi: There’s sabotage among the wires
And that’s what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they’ve been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven’t even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, “Help us, clothe us, feed us!”
I can’t just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt — MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we’ll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

* COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK *

* HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE? *

Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He’s very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun —
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw — quite squarely.

Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher: Now let’s get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go—

Geordi: Yes, sir, we can…

Picard: Then make it so!

Lost Dr. Seuss Books

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Here’s a list of the lost Dr Seuss books…

  • The Cat in the Blender
  • Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
  • Fox in Detox
  • Who Shat in the Hat?
  • Horton Hires a Ho
  • The Flesh-Eating Lorax
  • How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
  • Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
  • Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
  • One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
  • Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Hell Out!
  • Are You My Proctologist?
  • Yentl the Lentil
  • My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
  • Aunts in My Pants
  • Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
  • Horton Fakes an Orgasm
  • The Grinch’s Ten Inches
  • The Cat In The Hat Is A Convicted Pedophile
  • Salmonella Infected Eggs And Ham

CenSeuss 2010

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Person One or Person Two?
Person Red or Person Blue?

Do you live all by yourself?
Do you live with someone else?

Do you own the place where this was sent?
Or just a poor slob paying rent?

How old are you on April 1st?
Just when is your date of birth?

Are you a boy or girl right now?
Would your doctor write that down?

Are you Vietnamese or Korean?
Chinese? Cuban? Puerto Rican?

Japanese or Filipino?
Two-thirds white or half Latino?

Samoan aunt? Hawaiian dad?
An uncle who’s from Trinidad?

African or black? Which is it?
Indo-Euro Asian midget?

Answer all and send it out,
so we can get a proper count.

Results arrive 2020,
the date we do it all again!

The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

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Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it ‘tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it in a pile?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother’s couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these, and count your “no”s,
pray this number never grows.
Fifty questions we asked thee,
Score times two is your Purity.

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?

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If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then
the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And
your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash, Then your
situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So
your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as
well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet,
the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your
ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!