Things You Can’t Say With a Hallmark Card

“Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder:
What the fuck was I thinking?”

“Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one
likes your wife.”

“I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone
to love.
After having met you,
I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit,
you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell
until I met you.”

“As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am
that you’re not here
to ruin it for me.”

“If I get only one thing for Christmas,
I hope it’s
your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mum,
I think of all the gifts
you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!
I never knew what
evil was before this!”

“Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go,
would you like
to take this knife out of my back.
You’ll probably need it again.”

“We have been friends for a very long time,
what say we call it quits.”

“I’m so miserable without you,
it’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?”

“You are such a good friend
that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket…
I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
…so we’re having you put to sleep.”

“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!”
(available only in Arkansas)

Twisted Greeting Cards

by Alan Meiss

I must express my gratitude
for such a lovely gift.
Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
only by your thrift.
It’s clear that you spared all expense,
if you catch my drift.
Remove the anti-theft device
when you again shoplift.

We’re sorry you now mourn the loss
of your beloved cat.
For if we had only braked in time,
it wouldn’t be so flat.

It’s Christmas time, and once again,
the family’s gathered ’round.
Uncles, aunts, and cousins come
to raise a joyful sound.
All that is, except for you,
whom we can only send this mail.
But we’ll save your gifts for fifty years
till you get out of jail.

The frost is on the meadow,
the dew upon the grass.
Here’s your stinking birthday card,
now shove it up your *ahem*.

I’ve tender thoughts and memories
of the special time we shared.
I’d never been so close to you,
for it was more than souls we bared.
But I’ve since come to have regrets
and wonder if we erred,
For now the sores have failed to heal,
and I’m getting really scared.

This Christmas time I give to you
a book that isn’t mine.
So give it back before it’s due
or I’ll have to pay a fine.

Golden fields of daffodils,
sparkling mountain streams,
Crisp clean air and cotton clouds,
vistas from our dreams.
But all throughout our lovely trip,
to thoughts of you we’ve clung,
Because you’ll never see these things
in your iron lung.

Rejected Hallmark Greetings

So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day…
Look at the bright side,
she’s a really good lay.

My tire was thumping….
I thought it was flat….
when I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat… Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mends….
here’s a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You’ve announced that you’re gay,
won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
‘Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you…
How upset you must be…
But don’t fret about it ….
She moved in with me

Your computer is dead…
it was once so alive….
Do you regret installing
Win 95?

You totaled your car…
and can’t remember why…
could it have been…
that case of Bud Dry?