“Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder:
What the fuck was I thinking?”
“Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one
likes your wife.”
“I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone
to love.
After having met you,
I’ve changed my mind.”
“I must admit,
you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell
until I met you.”
“As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am
that you’re not here
to ruin it for me.”
“If I get only one thing for Christmas,
I hope it’s
your sister.”
“As you grow older, Mum,
I think of all the gifts
you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”
“Thanks for being a part of my life!
I never knew what
evil was before this!”
“Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go,
would you like
to take this knife out of my back.
You’ll probably need it again.”
“We have been friends for a very long time,
what say we call it quits.”
“I’m so miserable without you,
it’s almost like you’re here.”
“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?”
“You are such a good friend
that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket…
I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
…so we’re having you put to sleep.”
“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!”
(available only in Arkansas)