About Texas

When you’re from Texas, people who you meet ask you questions like, “Do you have any cows?” It’s nice to be able to say yes.

They ask you, “Do you have horses?”


Bet you got a bunch of guns, eh?

Of course.

They all want to know if you’ve been to Southfork. They watched Dallas. Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Why sure you have. Look at Texas for me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it, they know what it is. It’s Texas. Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt, and he’ll know what it is. What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You’ll get it maybe after a second, but who else would? Even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you?

In every man, woman and child on this little rock the Good Lord put us on, there is somewhere in them a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride in a pickup. Did you ever hear anyone in a restaurant go, “Wow… so you’re from Ok-la-homa. Cool. Tell me about it”? There is some bit of Texas in everyone. Do you know why? Because Texas is Texas.

Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican soldiers, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves but stayed. We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and Bowie, and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in the sand, and they decided to be heroes. John Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is Texas.

Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San Jacinto. Texas is Texas Independence Day and Juneteenth. Texas is huge forests of piney woods like the Davy Crockett National Forest. Texas is breathtaking mountains in Big Bend. Texas is shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas. Texas is oak and
cedar trees, cactus, Bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush in the beautiful Texas Hill Country. Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork. Texas is Mexican food like nowhere in the world, even Mexico. Texas is larger-than-life legends like Earl Campbell and Nolan Ryan, Denton Cooley and Michael DeBakey, Lyndon Johnson, George Bush, and George W. Bush, Willie Nelson and Buddy Holly. Texas is great companies like Dell Computer and Compaq. Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops. Texas is skies blackened with doves and leases full of deer. Texas is the best Bar-b-que anywhere. Texas is a place where cities shut down for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football and the streets are deserted during church.

Texas is beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies.

By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, or California, or Maine, and your state flag goes at 17. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in Longview, Texas, at 20 feet, and the Lone Star flies at 20 feet. Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in D.C. We signed those in as part of the deal when we came on. Texas was its own country. The Republic of Texas. Every time I think of all these things I tear up. All of them make you proud to be a Texan.

Visitor’s Guide to Dallas, Texas

  • First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It’s DAL-LUS.
  • Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules… Hold on and pray.
  • All directions start with, “Go down to Beltline”…which has no beginning and no end.
  • The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a “scenic drive”.
  • The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
  • If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will get rear ended.
  • Major roads mysteriously change names and direction at intersections.
  • Intense construction on the highway system is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
  • All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we were in Fort Worth!!”
  • If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
  • All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs have the right of way, especially in the vicinity of Neiman Marcus.
  • If asking directions east of downtown, you must have a working knowledge of Spanish.
  • Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.
  • A trip across town will take a minimum of four hours. Pack a lunch.
  • Don’t carry money, jewelry, family, etc., on Martin Luther King Freeway. And keep all doors locked at all times.
  • The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff is not ornamental.
  • Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, “Keep honking. I’m reloading.”
  • If you are in the left lane, and only going 70… people are not waving when they go by.
  • The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of the NASCAR circuit.
  • Any section of Dallas above IH-635 is considered too far and too close to Oklahoma to be driving.
  • Plano and Flower Mound are not real cities, they were produced and brought to you by the nice people at Disney for the pure entertainment of housewives.

Facts About Texas

  • Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
  • Roadrunners don’t say “Beep Beep.”
  • There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Texas.
  • There are 10,000 types of spiders, and 10,001 live in Texas.
  • Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
  • Racoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
  • If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
  • Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
  • There are valid reasons for some people to put concertina wire around their house.
  • You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
  • A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
  • Texas has 5 seasons: Spring – Feb 16 to April 15 Summer – April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees) Super Summer – July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees) Summer – Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees) Fall – Oct 2 to Dec. 1 Winter – Dec. 2 to Feb 15
  • The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally.
  • “Onced” and “Twiced” are words.
  • It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
  • Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
  • Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
  • “Coldbeer” is one word.
  • People actually grow and eat okra.
  • Texans really don’t have an accent.
  • When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
  • Green grass DOES burn.
  • When you live in the country, you don’t have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
  • The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.
  • When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it’s time to go to the doctor.
  • “Fixinto” is one word.
  • A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds drinkin’ water for your cows.
  • “Backards” and “Forards” means I know everything about you.
  • You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is.
  • You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
  • Texans will laugh harder at this than anyone else because we all KNOW these facts are true!!!

Ode to Texas

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake
With it’s forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it’s young.

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

‘Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

“By Golly,” he finally panted,
“I did my job too well,
I’m going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell.”