Tag Archives: horse

Praise the Lord!

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A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: “Christian Horse for Sale.” Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a “test run”.

The Pastor grabbed the reins. “Giddyap.” The horse ignored him.

“No, no,” counseled the owner. “This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, ‘Praise the Lord!'”

The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop. “He won’t answer to ‘Whoa’,” said the owner. “It’s ‘Amen’.”

The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, “Praise the Lord,” and went riding into the countryside.

Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.

The Pastor cried ‘Whoa!’ but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed ‘AMEN!!!!!’ just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.

The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted, ‘PRAISE THE LORD!'”

Ride ‘Em, Cowgirl

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A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune … the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

The Blond’s Horses

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A blond guy bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse. That worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail, and our blond friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested he notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn’t tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When the horse owner did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned from My Horse

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  • When in doubt, run far, far away.
  • You can never have too many treats.
  • Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
  • New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
  • Ignore cues. They’re just a prompt to do more work.
  • Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
  • Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
  • Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day… and then sleeping the rest.
  • Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
  • When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
  • In times of crisis, take a poop.
  • Act dumb when faced with a task you don’t want to do.
  • Follow the herd. That way, you can’t be singled out to take the blame.
  • A swift kick in the butt will get anyone’s attention.
  • Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.