Things You Never Hear in Church

  • Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
  • I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
  • Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
  • I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
  • I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
  • Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
  • I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
  • Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
  • Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
  • Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

I Think I’m Gonna Be Sick!

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.”

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

“Were you sick?” her mom asked.


“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.'”

Signs You Are in the Wrong Church

  • The church bus has gun racks.
  • The church staff consists of senior pastor, associate pastor and sociopastor.
  • The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.
  • There is an ATM in the lobby.
  • The choir wears leather robes.
  • The worship services are B.Y.O.S. (bring your own snake).
  • There’s no cover charge but communion is a two-drink minimum.
  • The pastor regularly attends meetings in Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
  • The ushers ask, “Smoking or non-smoking?”
  • The Women’s Quartet are all married to the pastor.

Football Christianity

Does your church practice “Football Christianity”?

  • Backfield in Motion: Making two or three trips outside the Church during Mass.
    – OR – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
  • Bench warmer: An inactive church member.
    – OR – Those whose only participation is their attendance at Sunday Mass.
    – OR – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
  • The Blitz: The mad stampede for the doors as the Iconastasis doors are closed.
    – OR – The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
  • Blocking: Standing inside the church door complaining to the pastor about the sermon.
  • Extra point: What you receive when you tell the preacher the sermon was too short.
  • Draft choice: Choose a seat near the back door.
  • Draw Play: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during Mass.
  • End Run: Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
  • Flex Defense: The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
  • Fumble: A lousy sermon.
  • Halfback Option: The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
  • Halftime: The Choir Anthem/Offertory
    – OR – The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave
  • Illegal motion: Leaving before the benediction.
  • Instant Replay: The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.
  • Quarterback sneak: Sunday school teachers entering the church building five minutes after Sunday school begins.
    – OR – People who leave Mass before it’s over without grave reason.
  • Stay in the Pocket: What happens to a lot of money that ought to go to the Church.
  • Sudden Death: The penalty to the priest who preaches more than twenty minutes.
  • Trap: You’re called on to pray and are asleep.
  • Two-minute warning: The chairman of the board sitting in a front-row pew, taking a look at his watch in full view of the preacher.
    – OR – The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Heavenly Blondes

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter said to them, “Before you may enter the gates of heaven you have to tell me what Easter is.”

The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where we all have a big feast and we’re thankful.”

St. Peter said, “NO!” and banished her from heaven.

The second blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where we celebrate Jesus’ birth and give each other presents.”

St. Peter said, “NO!” and banished her from heaven.

The third blonde said, “I know what Easter is.”

St. Peter said, “Ok then, tell me.”

She starts, “Easter is Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large boulder.”

St. Peter said, “Very good…”

She adds, “Every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter.”

AOL Merges With the Vatican


On the heels of announcing the closing of the Warner Brothers stores across the country after their successful merger with Time Warner, AOL is now closing down “in excess of 95%” of Catholic churches after their stock option deal to purchase the Vatican.

Spokesman Mike Flannery for AOL said, “We feel with our new Instant Messenger function installed, people no longer need to visit their local church to talk to God. God has His own chat room and ICQ account. Technology is leading the way and is allowing us to cut from our operation these historically poor performing church locations. Why, did you know that the church officials actually beg for money with each service?”

According to insider sources, Pope John Paul II has taken issue with the closing, saying, “That’s the dumbest fucking idea I’ve ever heard.”

AOL Time Warner Vatican Visa Hagen Daz Tootsie Roll Janitor In A Drum Charmin Chairman Steve Case replied, “While Mr. Paul, Jr. will continue to run the day to day operations of the Vatican, the plan has been set in motion and we expect Mr. Paul, Jr. will execute the Board’s decision. He’s in line for a significant bonus with this deal — I think his prayers have been answered!”