How to Cook a Turkey

aka Thanksgiving Turkey for Dummies

  • Step 1 :
    Go buy a turkey
  • Step 2 :
    Take a drink of whiskey
  • Step 3 :
    Put turkey in the oven
  • Step 4 :
    Take another two drinks of whiskey
  • Step 5 :
    Set the degree at 375 ovens
  • Step 6 :
    Take three more whiskeys of drink
  • Step 7 :
    Turn oven the on
  • Step 8 :
    Take four whisks of drinkey
  • Step 9 :
    Turk the bastey
  • Step 10 :
    Whiskey another bottle of get
  • Step 11 :
    Stick a turkey in the thermometer
  • Step 12 :
    Glass yourself another pour of whiskey
  • Step 13 :
    Bake the whiskey for four hours
  • Step 14 :
    Take the oven out of the turkey
  • Step 15 :
    Take the oven out of the turkey
  • Step 16 :
    Floor the turkey up off of the pick
  • Step 17 :
    Turk the carvey
  • Step 18 :
    Get yourself another scottle of botch
  • Step 19 :
    Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
  • Step 20 :
    Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Elephant Stew

2 Rabbits (Optional)
1 Elephant, Medium Size
Salt and Pepper to taste
Brown Gravy

Cut elephant into small bite-sized pieces. This should take about two months. Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees.

This will serve 3800 people. If more are expected, two rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as some people do not like to find a hare in their stew.

Easy Baked Stuffed Chicken

It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact, it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.

  • 6-7 lb. chicken
  • 1 cup melted butter
  • 1 cup stuffing
  • 1 cup uncooked popcorn
  • salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken’s rear blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it’s done.

I just love these easy recipes!!

Instant Barbeques

A blonde went into her local hardware store and bought two instant barbeques – the ones with the pictures of succulent foods on the lid.

The next day, she returned one of these to the customer service desk at the store complaining that there was no food inside! The assistant patiently told her that these were just barbeque trays and that the food was not supplied with them.

“Oh dear” said the blonde, “I’d better take the other one out of the freezer then”!

Diary of a New Cook

Dear Diary,

  • Monday:
    Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it’s fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
  • Tuesday:
    We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “Serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
  • Wednesday:
    I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, “Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.” So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can’t say it improved the rice any.
  • Thursday:
    Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, “Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” I hunted all over the garden by my mom’s. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
  • Friday:
    Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did, right over to my mom’s house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
  • Saturday:
    Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
  • Sunday:
    Today Bill’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
  • Monday:
    I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, “Mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk.” I just won’t bake bread if I have to double in bulk.

Good night Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.

Cooking Terms

  • Tongue

    • A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

  • Yogurt

    • Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

  • Recipe

    • A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.

  • Porridge

    • Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”

  • Preheat

    • To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

  • Oven

    • Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

  • Microwave Oven

    • Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

  • Calorie

    • Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.